Kunfu fighting!

One of those moments, you know.

Hahaha!

Them. You. Me. Us.

It was such a fun evening i had with wan and the boys.

We first went to have dinner at kfc after which went to Coffee Bean to grab some drinks. Was so touched by the fact that wan bought caramel frapp. It was my favourite. Usually he would buy something different (i think, haha!), but this time, he bought my favourite. Sab joined us for dinner and drinks. But then he went off halfway.

After that we were discussing on where to go next, then zul had this crazy idea to go pasir ris park the spider web there. Initially, cam huhh? Buat apa sehh. But once we reached there, we became like monkeys! haha. Lucky i was wearing pants. So can climb around and be really hyper! Climbed the spiderweb. Jumped around. Played the slides which were damn wet! We went home with all our butts wet. We had so many laughters and i felt the bonding session with the boys were fruitful. They are now like my brothers. I care so much for them and i never would like to see them disappointed. To see them unleashing their inner child, running around, jumping around, behaving like little boys...it was so fun to watch and experience. Sometimes, they need all these getaways to escape from their tiring realities. Oh God, who are we kidding? WE ALL DO! =)

Hehe. To see him laughing, smiling, sudden hugs, and him always staying close to me. Hehe. He was soo happy todayy and im so glad to share this happiness with him. To experience it together with him. Nothing could beat seeing that smile on him and hear his laughters. Hehe...even till now, i can smile thinking of it. Hehe...Dearest God, its amazing how his charms up till now overpowers everything and just take control of my heart and mind. He makes me fall in love so deeply with him. God, please dont end our story. Create a new chapter for us and let it end with '...happily ever after."

Its you i think about each time.

Its you i love.

And its your love that keeps me strong.

You, me.

Always.

Goodnight, Happy Holidays!

Bah.

Sometimes i pity those who never think before they say something.
They just have those stupid impulses to just open their mouth.
Without even thinking.
God, please help these redundant humans.

Seriously i dont care what you say about me.
But NEVER touch my relationship.
Yes, this is a warning.

Im not afraid whether your statement will put my relationship in jeapordy.
But the problem is do you know what you're putting yourself into?

So i suggest you safe that breath of yours.
And please do me a favour, correct that english of yours before you even TRY to think.

You won't like me when im smart.
Wanna try me?

He knows.

Only he knows how to hold me.
Only he knows how to hug me.
Only he knows how to kiss me.
Only he knows how to make me listen.
Only he knows how to take care of me.
Only he knows how to unhurt me.
Only he knows how to love me.

And only God knows where our fate lies...

Jangan kau bimbang sayang...

Friday...

When i woke up at 3pm, there wasnt any msg from him. He must have been very upset. I msged him. Only at around 5pm did he reply saying that hes been busy the whole day. Hes booking out on friday so i badly wanted to see him. Regardless of what state wer in. I just know that i want to see my boyfriend and hold him. Cause the past days he has only been lingering in my mind.

I decided to dress up alil thinking that wer going out somewhere. Hrmm. But plans changed. He had to settle his things first. So, i went to kakak's place instead and we went to Starbucks to have cappucino frapp with java chips. Been craving that for ages. So we sat down, and talked. There was this feeling inside of me that i couldnt describe it. I wasnt angry. Im not sure whether i was hurt. But its like as if ive been slashed. And the pain is causing my feelings to go numb but the heart is hurting...(i dont know what that means so, go figure)

So instead, went to lepak with his friends at restu and spend some time with them. I miss those guys. So i diverted my attention to them instead to calm myself down. There was this point of time where he kinda raised his voice at me.

Him: "You nak makan?"

Her: "You?"

Him: "Eh eh, i tanyer you."

Her: "I tak tau. You nak makan?"

Him (raised voice): "Apa ni, I tanyer you, you tanya i??"

That point of time, i felt like walking off. Pasal makan pun nak kena tinggikan suara dpn org pe? Haiz, takpe. Im not gonna let all my cryings for the whole of 5 days to be wasted by just this stupid moment and just walk off. Suck it in...suck it in...Fine. Let the ball rolling. You wanna be ignorant, i shall be ignorant. So i shall not get hurt. So in the end, both of us didnt eat. After a while, we left them.

We sat at our normal spot and there, he let it out...

Him: "Baru one week i dalam camp, trus you change."

That change word scares me. I have changed? How? When? What? Questions lingering in my mind. There were many times, that i wanted so bad to defend myself. But then again, i think that would be being defensive. Let the man speak. He rarely does that. So lets have some lights on him and let him do his monologue.

He spoke for so long. He told me everything. He told me that hes upset with me. For not msging him. That i used to msg him goodmorning msgs and now i never do so. For not msging him my whereabouts. He was upset that when the first thing he did whenever he had the opportunity to return to his bunk, he would check his hp to see my msgs. And each time he did that, he always got dissapointed as he saw none. He said that on tuesday, he told me that he wanted me to msg him morning msgs. (but i couldnt remember hearing that) He continued talking. Could see how upset he was. How he did not want things to change. How he wanted things to be as how it used to be.

But the thing is, you and i know dear, its not like that...

Ever since he went to camp, i dont know what i should be doing to avoid crying and instead get a grip on myself. So i tried not msging him. Keep myself occupied. But nevertheless always have him in my mind and heart. So i continued my days doing so. With no knowledge whatsoever that he expects my msgs every single day. I thought my time with him was only at night and i would try and tell him my activities for the whole day during that 15-30 mins conversation. We didnt have much time even on the phone. Thus i was quite upset for quite a few times.

Now it leaves me to a lost situation again. But at least for now, i know what he wants. But then again, by constantly msging him, im not helping myself to not think about him. I now, am not sure, how to do so while getting a grip on myself. Okay, but at least i can try. We shall see how this week goes.

You know what, im kinda excited of looking at how all these trial and errors will help me and my relationship. Ive never gone through being with someone in camp. And im so attached to him that i dont know how to detach myself. I will keep on trying till i find myself comfortable in that position and he is happy with me being so, then i shall know that i have found the right way to handle it.

P.S: I love you dearest.

"Jangan kau bimbang sayang, dimana ku berada...
Dengan siapa ku bersama, jangan bimbang
Ku tetap kau yang punya..."

The night.

Thursday...

Went swimming with adik. Swam 10 laps ahhh...hahah...but in an hour! blahh! hahaha. so damn long lah. but oh god, i realized how short breaths i have and how i cannot control my breathing at times...but i had some bonding time with adik and adik taught me how to swim properly. (though i didnt really get it perfectly done but i tried at least. =P hehe!)

After sending ashraff home, went to safra bowling and watched the guys bowl. That night, though i am physically there, my mind and heart was somewhere else. As you might have guessed, yes. I was missing him so bad. That night was terrible. Everything i touch just reminds me of him. Every single thing. There was a moment of time where i couldnt breathe. Cause my whole mind was so occupied with his images and i was trying so hard not to cry that i find difficulty in breathing. That night he was very busy, so he called late. We talked for awhile only cause he had to sleep.

I told him i would be going off soon. But plans changed. We went to lepak instead. And stayed the whole night outside. Kakak, me, man, yat. The whole night i wished that he would be there with me. I was missing him so badly and i knew if i were to go home, i would spend the night crying and i wouldnt sleep until like what 6 am? Thats what i have been doing past nights. Cry myself to sleep. So in order to avoid that, i decided to spend the night with my friends.

At 6am, i called him to wake him up. Yes, he was angry. Angry that i didnt tell him i didnt go home. Angry that i didnt go home. He didnt msg me a morning msg that night. He didnt sound okay when he put down the phone on me. When i reached home, i cried so badly.

Day 2-photoshoot + baking cake

On Wednesday, came to school for another photoshoot. Ferooze required me to have another round as the previous ones i took on tuesday were kinda dark. After that, we went to buy ingredients to bake a surprise birthday cake for farah's boyfriend. That was damn fun! But by the end of it, we were pretty exhausted. But for that moment, i felt that wer back in our secondary school days. Acting like a lunatic. And as i watch them, how we have all grown up and have achieved in life. The world change, things change, and that does not leave out the humans. People change but its up to us friends to accept their changes, cause if everyone else despise them, they only have us; their friends. I love them and no matter what happens, they'll be mine to keep. Forever.

Day 1-photoshoot

Theres loads of things happening and i didnt even update in my blog. Okay, lets start with...on tuesday, i had a photoshoot with ferooze. Helping him out for his project. That was damn fun. Being a schizo and showing expressions through the eyes and body movements. It was very interesting and i enjoy doing them. =) The girls and me (farah, sery, zie [who had to leave off early due to class]) had so much fun. After that farah sery ooze and me went to Restu to have dinner/supper. Did some catching up and i really miss them so much. Getting to spend quality time and share laughters was definitely a wonderful time spent.

Finding the strength.

Dear God, everything i do reminds me of him.

I cant sleep well nowadays.

Please save me, from myself.

Farewell...

And there he goes...my police boy...my lover. Haha, kakak said this "Macam lah dia nak gi perang!" Alahh, first time dapat rasa boyfriend gi camp. Jadi takut lah kan. Pikir tak ya rasa2 NS period and all, dapat elak NS kena 8 mths camp. Tapi nasib each week dia book out. At least dapat jugak jumpa dia. (appreciate hidayah...)

Now everything i touch, see, smell, hear reminds me of him...and im already starting to miss him like crazy...i need to occupy my time.

I love him so much. And i pray nothing will change that.

The kiss

It was a wonderful evening i had with him.
The quality moment that i had been wanting.
Ive got it.
This moment alongside with many others shall keep me company while hes gone.

Dear fetched me from school and we first went to the beach. We couldnt sit on our normal breakwater as there were quite a number of people occupying our space. So we sat on some bench instead, facing the sea nevertheless. We talked. We cuddled. I got to smell him and feel his body close to mine. The physical affection i had missed so much. He got bored after a while just sitting there, and we were quite hungry. We went to eat at the coffee shop near my place. We both ordered mee and both of us could not finish our mee. We also ordered ikan pari. But hrmm the food was overall quite dissapointing but as long as the tummy is filled and we enjoyed being with each other's company, thats enough for us. He then sent me home and kissed me. A kiss after almost two weeks. Hehehe...

Thank you kakak...=)

Dear, i love you...muacccckkkksssss....

sunshine, i miss you.

I miss stroking his hair.
I miss his sweaty palms which i find very sexy. =p
I miss smelling his armpit and find it the freshest smell ever.
I miss touching his hairy legs and try to pull out the bulu.
I miss pinching him.
I miss trying to make him geli by finding the correct spot and tickle him.
I miss biting him at his upper arm.
I miss kissing his face.
I miss lying down on his lap.
I miss massaging him.
I miss him lying down on my lap.
I miss his hugs.
I miss his kisses.
I miss the way he kisses me.
I miss his voice.
I miss his laughter.
I miss his smile.

But i miss him the most.

Daily dosage

I miss you, dearest boyfriend. <3

Honey...honey....

Choppy waters

What a rough night we went through last night...

I always blame him.
I always point my finger at him not realizing four fingers are pointing at me back.
I always say "i want this, i want that."
I always put him in the wrong.

But never did i blame myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear. thank you cause despite my ugly, arrogant, selfish, temperamental self, you stood by me and willing to give me another chance. You're still here with me.

I'm terribly sorry for the damages ive caused.

I love you, my superhuman.

Bruised.

Yes, i may laugh with you. I may smile. I may joke around. I can be the goofy bimbotic stupid silly me.

But have you ever tried to look in my eyes?
Look within me?
Beneath all those smiles?
Beneath all those laughters?

Torrents, eruptions.
Has made me a frail, scared, shaken five-year old girl.

Underneath, I bruise easily.
Theres a mark you leave, like a love heart carved on a tree.
Like a scratch mark on the surface without moving me.
So please be gentle when you handle me.

you need him because you love him OR you love him because you need him?

He keeps me sane.
He keeps it real.
He keeps it sincere.
He keeps it simple.

We tumble. We fumble. We crawl.
We rise. We fall.

At times i sit down.
Just thinking if ever one day hes no longer mine.
What will i do?
How will i handle it?
How will i cope?
And the thought of it, i swear, will always make me cry.

It came to a point where i just cannot imagine whats life without him.
Who am i suppose to message everyday?
Who am i suppose to call every night?
Who am i suppose to smile about whenever the thought of that person comes to mind?

But most importantly, who could ever tolerate me?
Who could ever accept me with all my flaws?
I came to believe that ONLY he could get me out of my bad habits.

He does not make things easy for me.
He taught me things the hard way.
He will ensure that i learn.
He will talk sense into me.
He will make me realize.
What a spoilt brat i am.

Regardless of who i am.
What ive become.
What im going through.
He has been there.
Through it all.

I love him so much that i know i will go insane when hes gone.
I cant live without him.
I cant breathe without him.

I need him because i love him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, prolly im drunk with love right now. =)
But its been awhile ive blogged about him.
I think. Hehe.

Anyways, we went out just now.
Went to Plaza Singapura to catch Madagascar 2 and had dinner together at KFC.
Been awhile since we've went out and have some fun together.
Watch a fun movie.
Him taking my hand and kissing it.
Me being in his arms feeling his warmth.
At the end of the day, a kiss on the forehead.
Leaves me on the high till now. =)

He at times does things unexpectedly.
Ok, i just had to rant this out.

Initially, when we were walking, i wanted to hold his arm. For a few seconds, it stayed there then he will fidget. Or dont allow me to like hold his hand. Yesterday i wanted to lie on his shoulders but he shrugged and fidget. Gestures of not wanting those physical affection. It brought me to tears just now. So while he was queing at starhub to collect his queue number, i stood outside. Intending to wait for him there till hes done. Then he came beside me then asked me why i was standing outside. I said i was waiting for him cuz if i were to sit down, he would be searching for me. Then he asked me this. "You dont want to queue with me?" I just kept silent. Cos at that point of time, i was already on the bridge of tears. Been 1 week i didnt see him so i just want a lil affection. Too much to ask for? But then when wer sitting down waiting for his number to be called out, he suddenly held my hand.=) He always does things at the unexpected moment and timing. But the timing is always perfect. Just in time to discard all those negativity and bring that glow in my heart. And make me smile. Hehe.

Hes simply amazing.
Simple thing he does.
His smile.

Im always very happy when he started talking about something.
That means he has warmed up for the day. Hehe.
Just like an engine, it needs to be warmed up before the car could run.
Yerp, thats my baby!

He makes me a very happy goopey woopy loopy woman today.
(Whatever that means. =P)

I love him. <3