Jangan kau bimbang sayang...
Friday...
When i woke up at 3pm, there wasnt any msg from him. He must have been very upset. I msged him. Only at around 5pm did he reply saying that hes been busy the whole day. Hes booking out on friday so i badly wanted to see him. Regardless of what state wer in. I just know that i want to see my boyfriend and hold him. Cause the past days he has only been lingering in my mind.
I decided to dress up alil thinking that wer going out somewhere. Hrmm. But plans changed. He had to settle his things first. So, i went to kakak's place instead and we went to Starbucks to have cappucino frapp with java chips. Been craving that for ages. So we sat down, and talked. There was this feeling inside of me that i couldnt describe it. I wasnt angry. Im not sure whether i was hurt. But its like as if ive been slashed. And the pain is causing my feelings to go numb but the heart is hurting...(i dont know what that means so, go figure)
So instead, went to lepak with his friends at restu and spend some time with them. I miss those guys. So i diverted my attention to them instead to calm myself down. There was this point of time where he kinda raised his voice at me.
Him: "You nak makan?"
Her: "You?"
Him: "Eh eh, i tanyer you."
Her: "I tak tau. You nak makan?"
Him (raised voice): "Apa ni, I tanyer you, you tanya i??"
That point of time, i felt like walking off. Pasal makan pun nak kena tinggikan suara dpn org pe? Haiz, takpe. Im not gonna let all my cryings for the whole of 5 days to be wasted by just this stupid moment and just walk off. Suck it in...suck it in...Fine. Let the ball rolling. You wanna be ignorant, i shall be ignorant. So i shall not get hurt. So in the end, both of us didnt eat. After a while, we left them.
We sat at our normal spot and there, he let it out...
Him: "Baru one week i dalam camp, trus you change."
That change word scares me. I have changed? How? When? What? Questions lingering in my mind. There were many times, that i wanted so bad to defend myself. But then again, i think that would be being defensive. Let the man speak. He rarely does that. So lets have some lights on him and let him do his monologue.
He spoke for so long. He told me everything. He told me that hes upset with me. For not msging him. That i used to msg him goodmorning msgs and now i never do so. For not msging him my whereabouts. He was upset that when the first thing he did whenever he had the opportunity to return to his bunk, he would check his hp to see my msgs. And each time he did that, he always got dissapointed as he saw none. He said that on tuesday, he told me that he wanted me to msg him morning msgs. (but i couldnt remember hearing that) He continued talking. Could see how upset he was. How he did not want things to change. How he wanted things to be as how it used to be.
But the thing is, you and i know dear, its not like that...
Ever since he went to camp, i dont know what i should be doing to avoid crying and instead get a grip on myself. So i tried not msging him. Keep myself occupied. But nevertheless always have him in my mind and heart. So i continued my days doing so. With no knowledge whatsoever that he expects my msgs every single day. I thought my time with him was only at night and i would try and tell him my activities for the whole day during that 15-30 mins conversation. We didnt have much time even on the phone. Thus i was quite upset for quite a few times.
Now it leaves me to a lost situation again. But at least for now, i know what he wants. But then again, by constantly msging him, im not helping myself to not think about him. I now, am not sure, how to do so while getting a grip on myself. Okay, but at least i can try. We shall see how this week goes.
You know what, im kinda excited of looking at how all these trial and errors will help me and my relationship. Ive never gone through being with someone in camp. And im so attached to him that i dont know how to detach myself. I will keep on trying till i find myself comfortable in that position and he is happy with me being so, then i shall know that i have found the right way to handle it.
P.S: I love you dearest.
"Jangan kau bimbang sayang, dimana ku berada...
Dengan siapa ku bersama, jangan bimbang
Ku tetap kau yang punya..."
When i woke up at 3pm, there wasnt any msg from him. He must have been very upset. I msged him. Only at around 5pm did he reply saying that hes been busy the whole day. Hes booking out on friday so i badly wanted to see him. Regardless of what state wer in. I just know that i want to see my boyfriend and hold him. Cause the past days he has only been lingering in my mind.
I decided to dress up alil thinking that wer going out somewhere. Hrmm. But plans changed. He had to settle his things first. So, i went to kakak's place instead and we went to Starbucks to have cappucino frapp with java chips. Been craving that for ages. So we sat down, and talked. There was this feeling inside of me that i couldnt describe it. I wasnt angry. Im not sure whether i was hurt. But its like as if ive been slashed. And the pain is causing my feelings to go numb but the heart is hurting...(i dont know what that means so, go figure)
So instead, went to lepak with his friends at restu and spend some time with them. I miss those guys. So i diverted my attention to them instead to calm myself down. There was this point of time where he kinda raised his voice at me.
Him: "You nak makan?"
Her: "You?"
Him: "Eh eh, i tanyer you."
Her: "I tak tau. You nak makan?"
Him (raised voice): "Apa ni, I tanyer you, you tanya i??"
That point of time, i felt like walking off. Pasal makan pun nak kena tinggikan suara dpn org pe? Haiz, takpe. Im not gonna let all my cryings for the whole of 5 days to be wasted by just this stupid moment and just walk off. Suck it in...suck it in...Fine. Let the ball rolling. You wanna be ignorant, i shall be ignorant. So i shall not get hurt. So in the end, both of us didnt eat. After a while, we left them.
We sat at our normal spot and there, he let it out...
Him: "Baru one week i dalam camp, trus you change."
That change word scares me. I have changed? How? When? What? Questions lingering in my mind. There were many times, that i wanted so bad to defend myself. But then again, i think that would be being defensive. Let the man speak. He rarely does that. So lets have some lights on him and let him do his monologue.
He spoke for so long. He told me everything. He told me that hes upset with me. For not msging him. That i used to msg him goodmorning msgs and now i never do so. For not msging him my whereabouts. He was upset that when the first thing he did whenever he had the opportunity to return to his bunk, he would check his hp to see my msgs. And each time he did that, he always got dissapointed as he saw none. He said that on tuesday, he told me that he wanted me to msg him morning msgs. (but i couldnt remember hearing that) He continued talking. Could see how upset he was. How he did not want things to change. How he wanted things to be as how it used to be.
But the thing is, you and i know dear, its not like that...
Ever since he went to camp, i dont know what i should be doing to avoid crying and instead get a grip on myself. So i tried not msging him. Keep myself occupied. But nevertheless always have him in my mind and heart. So i continued my days doing so. With no knowledge whatsoever that he expects my msgs every single day. I thought my time with him was only at night and i would try and tell him my activities for the whole day during that 15-30 mins conversation. We didnt have much time even on the phone. Thus i was quite upset for quite a few times.
Now it leaves me to a lost situation again. But at least for now, i know what he wants. But then again, by constantly msging him, im not helping myself to not think about him. I now, am not sure, how to do so while getting a grip on myself. Okay, but at least i can try. We shall see how this week goes.
You know what, im kinda excited of looking at how all these trial and errors will help me and my relationship. Ive never gone through being with someone in camp. And im so attached to him that i dont know how to detach myself. I will keep on trying till i find myself comfortable in that position and he is happy with me being so, then i shall know that i have found the right way to handle it.
P.S: I love you dearest.
"Jangan kau bimbang sayang, dimana ku berada...
Dengan siapa ku bersama, jangan bimbang
Ku tetap kau yang punya..."
posted by relinquish my love for you at
4:30 PM
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