the humble slave...wilting and dying....

sorry for not blogging these past few days...didnt have the mood to do so...alot has been going on in my life....alot of depressing things...alot of decision makings...hope all these pass by soon...please God, you are the only one who can hear the pleas of this humble slave....

a tough journey i had went through
a tough journey indeed
where were you when i needed you the most
instead of making me feel better
instead of talking to me
instead of spending those few moments we haf together
and treausure them
you made me feel even worse
even worse indeed
why cant you hear this fragile heart cry
ccrying for help
crying for you to stop
stop insulting and degrading me
and start believing in me
starthaving faith in me
start appreciating me
start being proud of me
all you ever care was bout yourself
ever spared me a thought?
ever pause for a moment before you even say those nasty comments?
the pain is tortorous
i cannot stand it anymore
its unbelievably unbearable
God, please hear this plea of the humble slave...

that day was the worst day of my entire life...
never have i felt suffocated
and being forced to choose between two things that mean alot to me
how am i suppose to choose?
adding to that i was blamed...
by myself...
for putting others thru alot of trouble just to accomodate my needs...
and to listen to my stories...

why do i endlessly disappoint others?
why cant i make her happy?
contented?
satisfied?
proud?
no...why?

CUZ IM NOT LIKE ANY OTHER CHILD....

who is perfect in all ways...who listens to their mother...who never fails in their exams..who has the perfect figure..who understands her...

ALL THESE WHILE I HAVE NOT BEEN UNDERSTANDING YOU
ALL THESE WHILE YOU WISH I WAS LIKE SOME OTHER DAUGHTER
ALL THESE WHILE YOU WISH I WAS PERFECT....
BUT IM NOT...WHY?

CUZ I AM NOT LIKE ANY OTHER CHILD....

a cold space is between us
separating us apart
the world divides into two
my heart shattered into pieces
my unbreakable heart
is now unmendable
my utmost confidence
transformed into insecurities
my smiles and laughters
disappeared and replaced with tears
tears of a person
who just wished to be appreaciated and understood...
by her mother....

am i being demanding? selfish? is this too much to ask for? from your loved one?

do you think it is easy to give up the thing i love?
to give up on our upcoming project?
to give up on my own ideas?
to give up on our play?
to give up on our production?
to give up on all of you?
to give up just like that?
i dun surrender...i dun beg for mercy...
but do i have any other choice?
do i have any other ways?
do i have alternatives?

stop asking me why i do this
stop telling me not to leave
as it will tear my heart even more
i love you guys soo much
but i have to let go...
let go of something...
just to please my mother...
the only mother i have...

please help me pray...
pray hard that i will come back..
pray hard that the old hidayah will come back
as she is wilting and dying real soon
and a new person is emerging...
pray hard that hidayah will be back...
once again into your life...