Our Love <3

22nd monthsary.

2009-01-24T01:11:00.004+08:00

Happy 22nd boyfriend!

Yeayyyy...2 more months to 2 years...whoishhh...tak sangka menyangka nangka di atas kepala!

Nari...dayah jumpa wan around...8pm. Wan fetch dayah underneath my blk...then we walk all the way to downtown...on the way tu kita bebual nyer bebual...non-stop. Ketawa2...haha sana haha sini. Dah sampai downtown jalan2 jap trus gi makan!!!! Kat QB house...sedaaaaap....kita order couple combo. Kire ada 2 meals plus 2 salad plus 2 drinks. Puas hatiiii! Dayah ate the spicy drumlet chicken while wan ate the grilled something2. Hahah...We talked over dinner laughed at his stories during his OBS camp. Enjoy ehh dia ehhh kat sana...kita kat sini bak kata pepatah melayu jiwang, mandi tak basah, minum tak puas, makan tak kenyang, tidur tak lena, hidung dah tak leh bau, telinga jadi pekak dan benda2 yang sewaktu dengannyer...

Kita camwhore...bebual2 ketawa2...and really enjoyed our dinner. =)

Lepas perut yang agak kempis dah jadi kembong...kita jalan lah balik. Bebual lagi...ketawa2. Entah apa yang diketawakan pun tak tau. High jer kita nari...We held hands and the comfort and warmth just seeps into every veins in my body. Kita sampai dayah nyer blk then sit down, dayah massage wan...kesian lah pulak...sakit2 ehh badan ehh...hahah. Then kita amik lagi gambar2 abih bebual2...ketawa2...i just miss him so much and tonight was one of those high fun times....praises to God, alhamdulillah.

Last2 time balik, abeh wan surprise kan dayah...dia masukkan baju dalam bag dayah. Boleh2 dayah nak bukak depan dia tapi dia tak bagi. Kena kat rumah jugak. Bila dayah balik rumah, tgk, dapat baju OBS! hahaha...cute or what...tapi thank eu so much for that shirt. Shall remind me of how we have handled the 5 days without contacting each other. Oklah tipu skit, ada contact lah jugak. But there were a few days yang dia tak call langsung sbb takle pakai hp. hehe. Baju dia pun lawa sehhh and very the comfortable...tak pernah2 dayah gi OBS tapi ada baju sehhh...heheh. style or what?

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Dearest, thank you for today. Thank you so much. I have truly enjoyed myself and feeling you and having your presence is something i am treasuring so so much now. Well, this camp thing does make me the gfs a better person. Besides being independent, you learn to treasure the person more. Appreciate more. And most importantly bersyukur dengan how small the effort is.

You are the best boyfriend. The first and the last. And yes, i will love you till the day i die. =) May we last till the end. <3

im very protective of my hensem boyfriend. why?! got problem issit?

All smiles...

2009-01-22T02:32:00.002+08:00

Well, that hug was definitely the medicine.
I just missed you alot.
We shall now move on, alright?

Now, the awaiting hug from him...
Ohh ohh...one more day to 22nd!

P.s: Im sorry wati once again...like i said, i will make it up to you. I promise.

Come sit with me...

2009-01-21T18:28:00.002+08:00

I will sit here in silence.
Until you come here and sit for awhile with me.
Just awhile.

I was able to stand on mountains because you taught me.
I am strong enough to walk on stormy seas after you guided me.
Now i shall sit.
Sit here in silence.
Until you come here and sit for awhile with me.
Just awhile.
Just awhile.

That place

2009-01-21T18:04:00.003+08:00

Amongst the din and crowd.
There i stood.
With a map written in an unknown language.

Its the same world.
Same country.
Same damn route.
But why the map?

Cos suddenly my feet dont seem to recognize the route anymore.
The buildings are now unrecognizable.
I am lost in my own world.

Yes, i am walking.
Im taking each and every step with every precaution.
Trying not to fall.

Then i started to remember.
We used to walk this route together.
Laughing and sharing.
That same road.
Now is deserted.

Cold.
Its very cold.
Its too quiet that its starting to scare me.

Is there anyone to help me?
I just want anyone to help me, please.

But as im crying out loud to be heard,
I find myself calling out your name.
I find myself running to the place.
Where i know you would find me.

Where we always find comfort in together.
Where we wait for one another.
That place. Those memories.

I dont know whether i should go there.
If i do, what if you dont come?
If i go there, i would expect you to come.

I tried stopping myself.
But im here.
Waiting for you.

Would you keep me from danger?

2009-01-21T12:17:00.003+08:00

Keep me safe.
Keep me sound.
Keep me rooted to the ground.

Would you?

You and me.

2009-01-21T12:12:00.003+08:00

Where it used to be both of us against the world.
Where it used to be us hand in hand learning about life.
Where it used to be us, and always us.

Now its just you and me.

I just wanna run to you
And hug you
And tell you that im here for you
And say im sorry
And tell you how much i need you

But its now just you and me.

Panda Porn?!

2009-01-20T21:45:00.003+08:00

Ok, something funny i just heard from the news.
Panda porn.
What the f*** is that?!

Hahahha.
I didnt know that animals watch porn as well.
Hahahha.
Ok, something new learnt!

Anyway...

Boyfriend msged me in the afternoon asking me to call him immediately.
He told me that he couldnt call me at night as he would be camping outside and could not use the phone.
Poor dearie.
And poor me as i wont be hearing his voice tonight.

But i guess i am so lucky to have a wonderfully responsible boyfriend and made sure he lets me know that he wouldnt call. He took the extra effort to msg me using his fren's hp and let me know of his whereabouts and made sure i am doing fine.

I love you dearest boyfriend.
And i miss you so much.
Counting down the days.
And ohh...3 more days to 22 months! =D

Future.

2009-01-20T00:17:00.008+08:00

Will you marry me?

My baby has gone for his OBS camp for five days.
Five days without handphone and no means of contacting him.

Cos he had to surrender his phone.

Every minute, i would think of him.

Has he eaten? How is he? Hows his knee? Is he having fun? Is he tired? Whats he doing now? How was his lunch? What did he have for lunch?

(And the qns go on and on...)

And i couldnt do anything about these questions.

All i did was tell myself that hes taken care of down there.

Gosh, the no-communication-thing is really killing me.

I really felt lonely and lost.
He has been my strength and my sense of direction.

Without him, my boat seemed to be just drifting by.

Without no captain of its ship.

Without any map.

Im lost.

Weak.

Scared.

Then came his sms just now at 9.54pm.

"Dear its me ridzwan ur bf here kol me tis no. I pakai my fren hp. Kol u tk dpt"

Can you imagine the euphoria i felt?
I just reached home from the hospital and was about to get some food to eat.

I straight away put my plate down and called him.

And the first thing i said,

"Sayang!!!! Oh god, i cant believe im hearing ur voice. Oh my god. Oh god."

And we tried to catch up with each other within that 10 mins conversation.

I swear hearing his voice felt so good.

When he had to put down the phone cos hes fren gotta use it back, i really didnt wanna let go.

But he said something which reminded me to appreciate the quality and not the quantity. =)

Last night, before he slept, a goodnight msg from him.

"U'l alwaes b on my mind syg"

These words i swear melted me like crazy.

Haha...rarely do i hear these things from him.

He never fails with the "luv u miss u" and he would literally get angry and upset with me if i did not return back his msg/chat/phone convo with "love u miss u too"

But to hear things like i will always be on his mind is something extra sweet from him and oh god, i melted. Hahah...

Susah tau nak dapat wan say sweet2 things...

Kan kan b? Hahah. =P

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I could never imagine myself being with anyone except him.

He completes me in every way.

He makes me fall deeper in love each day.

And he made me realize that love knows no end and boundaries.

I used to think that there is a limit to loving someone.

But he made me see how amazing love is

And how amazing is his love for me.

Till now im amazed at how foolish he is to love someone like me.

I really pray that i will be the one for you in the end.

When i see young couples getting engaged etc, when i see the wedding ceremonies, when i see babies, i envision myself sharing all that with you.

Im glad to be accepted by your family and im glad that mine has so much faith and trust in you.

We have brought our relationship to the next level, my love.

Now its time, to work hard to bring it further up.

I want to spend my whole life with you, start a family with you, experience marriage life with you.

Your love makes me have faith in love.

Life.

Marriage.

(Rarely do i talk about marriage here in my blog. So please do bear with me on this. Haha. I seriously have no idea why im suddenly talking abt all these.)

Take my hand. Walk with me through the deserts, through the stormy seas, through the dirty jungle. Cos i know in the end we will find our heaven. The place where i see myself with you. Us and our future.

I want you to be the only man in my life who loves me and whom i love, endlessly.

Thats you muhammad ridzwan, my endless love. <3

18 January 2009. Baby Zahrah.

2009-01-19T23:12:00.002+08:00

First and foremost, let us all welcome the new princess...SITI ZAHRAH BTE MOHD NIZZAM!

Yeayyyyy....adorable cute and pretty! She's got a clef! Confirm besar pretty sehh. Hehe...She was born on 18 January 2009, 3.50pm, at East Shore Hospital.

Im now known as Aunty Yayah! Haiyooo...aunty?!!? Heheh...my future anak sedara...(insyallah...) hehehe. Kak Nur gave birth to this wonderful baby girl and what a wonderful day it was yesterday. I was anxiously waiting by the phone for any news and updates and then wan msged and told me both kakak and the baby are safe. A huuuge sigh of relief with countless alhamdulillahs...

I went to cik ila's bbq first before heading to the hospital to visit kak nur and see the newborn princess. When i came, there were like many people. Oh god, when they were asking me, i just introduced myself as kak nur's friend. Me and kak nur made a pact already. Cos i was scared that the mother will not want my identity and relationship with wan to be disclosed. Hahah. But apparently, instead of the mother being on the same page with us, she was instead the one telling people, "ah ni wan punyerr..." haiyoooo...seram babe...ni kalau tak jadi, malu aku! hahha...

And there was his family. A huge family indeed. But the funny thing was the whole time i was there, me and wan did not talk or look at each other. Hahah. Kononnyer nak step tak kenal. Hahah. Didnt know that the mother tell everyone readi. Wahhh...scared lah seyyy!

Well, now that we're known, it better work. Hehe...

I love his family. I never imagined that i would be accepted as their own. They are always full of warmth and love and you will never feel out of place with them. They will include you in their conversations.

Today, i visited kak nur again at the hospital...(Sorry wati, i cancelled our plan!) Spent more time with my baby girl...Hehe i held her most of the time, fed her milk and burped her. Abang nizzam said that i would be called bibik yaya (cos of my javanese race) eeeeeeeee bibik?! nanak...nak aunty jugak. Aunty yayah...heheh..kauz...i feel old la siaaa!

This little girl will be pampered by me, DEFINITELY. =)

Sore.

2009-01-18T14:30:00.002+08:00

I woke up feeling sore today.
After the cryings last night.

The failure to hear you out.
The failure to understand you.
The failure to see
What you see.

Will you let me go tonight?

Double date!

2009-01-18T14:07:00.005+08:00

17 January 2009.

Nahyuniwati & rahmat. Nurhidayah & ridzwan.

Ehh...N&Rs. haha. ok, i just realized that.

Anywayy, we headed out to orchard. Went to eat at sakura. Had a huge feast. But i dont know why i was hungry but nothing seemed appealing to my stomach. Just didnt feel like eating yesterday.

Then we went walking around town. Wanted to watch movies but all movies backfired on us. So instead we decided to go bugis after that. With my high heels, we walked frm some busstop all the way to bugis. Yes, as expected the crankiness and easily annoyed attitude. With only 3 hours of sleep the night before and with the feet almost snapping in two halves, i was superr cranky! Had a lil tiff with the boyfriend, haha. But after a while, got over it and enjoyed whats left of the day. Boyfriend bought me a sandal hahah after my endless complaints etc.

Been awhile i had spent time with wati. And it felt so good to share the fun moments with her again. =)

A HUGE thank you to them, for the fun evening!

P.s: I had some bimbo, rude, silly moments yesterday. Hahaha.

only you

2009-01-15T02:53:00.003+08:00

and im missing you so much love...

come back home soon baby...

cos i need you.

truly and whole heartedly,

i love you.

Save it.

2009-01-14T10:37:00.002+08:00

I really have no idea who you are.
Its against my nature to presume and assume.
I refuse to.

So, really to save time and save all these quabbles, would you like to tell me who you are?
Cos' if not, i am just going to annoy you further by ignoring you.
Totally.

So, this one last time,
Since youre bold enough to make all these comments about me.
Since you are so eager for me to hear you out.
Do pluck up the courage and tell me who you are.

All im sure for now is that you know me.
So, if you know me pretty well
Im pretty slow and bad at judgments.
So, please do both of us a favour.

Thanks.
Have a good day. =)

Yes, you!

2009-01-12T15:01:00.002+08:00

To that certain someone,

If reading my blog irks you
Or making you have these impulses to comment redundantly,
Please, i beg of you.
Just stop reading okay?
And get a life.

My blog is a bore.
So do visit others.

Thank you.
Have a blessed day ahead =)

Counting the days..

2009-01-11T15:06:00.003+08:00

It was indeed quite a show, i think.
I feel that it was a better performance done than the previous one.
This time, there was more energy and everyone put in the effort and the team spirit was great.
Though the crowd was abit disappointing but nevertheless, i enjoyed myself very much and the team was in fact very much pleased with their efforts.
So, kudos to all of us! =)

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Friday...
When he came back from camp, we decided to watch movie at ehub and spend some quality time together. We went to watch Transporter 3. We argueing with each other whether the actress in the show was hot. I think she isn't as she has freckles all over her face and apparently he finds freckles pretty. Haha! Anyway, after the movie, we settled for a cappucino frapp at mcd and ride to our usual place and had a long chat. Under the moonlight, we hugged and talked and kissed. Hehe. Waiting for friday was like waiting for 100 years to come.

Saturday...
We went out after he had his exam. He passed! Yeayyyy! hehe...we went to arab st and started going to each vintage shops. He bought 2 tops and bought a dress for mua....another yeayyy! It was a black dress and i love it! We shall dress up one day for our dates! hehe...and ohhh, that grey top that he bought was sooo gorgeous and sexy on him that i just felt soo...YUMMMYYY! hehe.

Sunday...
And here it is. Another lazy Sunday. Now, its Sunday that i dread most as he has to go back to camp. And i have to wait for another 5 days till i get to see my boyfriend. I hate Sunday.

When sanity decided to leave.

2009-01-04T15:47:00.002+08:00

What if your whole life was just a hallucination?
What if all those smiles and laughters are just part of your imaginations?
Your dreams of having a better life;
But to mask whats real.

I dreamt that he passed away for quite some time.
But i continued life as if he was there.
Went out with him and his friends.
Had fun and all.
I could feel him, touch him, feel his presence.
Thinking that he is real.

Until that night,
He didnt give me a goodbye hug
And i couldnt feel his kiss on my forehead.

I came home.
Kak Nur called me up.
Asking how i was.
And i said i was fine, just came back frm sheesha with wan and friends.
There was silence.
Then finally, she said, "Adik, dia dah takda."

I was confused.
What did she mean by that?
Accident? When? How? Where is he now? What happened?
"No, adik. Dia dah lama tak ada. You must accept it."

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When i woke up, i realised i was crying.
With real tears and heavy breathing.
It felt so real.
It was hauntingly scary.

I need you badly now.
To hug me and tell me,
Its just a nightmare.
Please.

There begins a new chapter.

2009-01-03T12:42:00.002+08:00

I had such a wonderful new year! :)

Fireworks, laughters, jokes, games, food, snackings, hugs and kisses.

I miss my girls...wati and imah. It was so good seeing them again. But siti shuld have been there too. Siti....come join us soon kae? Missing eu readi. hehe. And it was definitely fun hanging out with them guys.

When i lay my head on the pillows, the thoughts of you come to mind.

Images of us dancing underneath the moonlight.

Your hands holding me tightly.

And i could smell the perfume on your neck.

How our love is one of a kind.

How it has blossomed through the years.

How we had confessed our love to each other.

How you complete me and i complete you.

Baby, i need you for the rest of my life...

I love you.

Kunfu fighting!

2008-12-25T05:58:00.001+08:00

One of those moments, you know.

Hahaha!

Them. You. Me. Us.

2008-12-25T05:40:00.003+08:00

It was such a fun evening i had with wan and the boys.

We first went to have dinner at kfc after which went to Coffee Bean to grab some drinks. Was so touched by the fact that wan bought caramel frapp. It was my favourite. Usually he would buy something different (i think, haha!), but this time, he bought my favourite. Sab joined us for dinner and drinks. But then he went off halfway.

After that we were discussing on where to go next, then zul had this crazy idea to go pasir ris park the spider web there. Initially, cam huhh? Buat apa sehh. But once we reached there, we became like monkeys! haha. Lucky i was wearing pants. So can climb around and be really hyper! Climbed the spiderweb. Jumped around. Played the slides which were damn wet! We went home with all our butts wet. We had so many laughters and i felt the bonding session with the boys were fruitful. They are now like my brothers. I care so much for them and i never would like to see them disappointed. To see them unleashing their inner child, running around, jumping around, behaving like little boys...it was so fun to watch and experience. Sometimes, they need all these getaways to escape from their tiring realities. Oh God, who are we kidding? WE ALL DO! =)

Hehe. To see him laughing, smiling, sudden hugs, and him always staying close to me. Hehe. He was soo happy todayy and im so glad to share this happiness with him. To experience it together with him. Nothing could beat seeing that smile on him and hear his laughters. Hehe...even till now, i can smile thinking of it. Hehe...Dearest God, its amazing how his charms up till now overpowers everything and just take control of my heart and mind. He makes me fall in love so deeply with him. God, please dont end our story. Create a new chapter for us and let it end with '...happily ever after."

Its you i think about each time.

Its you i love.

And its your love that keeps me strong.

You, me.

Always.

Goodnight, Happy Holidays!

Bah.

2008-12-24T14:57:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i pity those who never think before they say something.
They just have those stupid impulses to just open their mouth.
Without even thinking.
God, please help these redundant humans.

Seriously i dont care what you say about me.
But NEVER touch my relationship.
Yes, this is a warning.

Im not afraid whether your statement will put my relationship in jeapordy.
But the problem is do you know what you're putting yourself into?

So i suggest you safe that breath of yours.
And please do me a favour, correct that english of yours before you even TRY to think.

You won't like me when im smart.
Wanna try me?

He knows.

2008-12-21T17:01:00.002+08:00

Only he knows how to hold me.
Only he knows how to hug me.
Only he knows how to kiss me.
Only he knows how to make me listen.
Only he knows how to take care of me.
Only he knows how to unhurt me.
Only he knows how to love me.

And only God knows where our fate lies...

Jangan kau bimbang sayang...

2008-12-21T16:30:00.003+08:00

Friday...

When i woke up at 3pm, there wasnt any msg from him. He must have been very upset. I msged him. Only at around 5pm did he reply saying that hes been busy the whole day. Hes booking out on friday so i badly wanted to see him. Regardless of what state wer in. I just know that i want to see my boyfriend and hold him. Cause the past days he has only been lingering in my mind.

I decided to dress up alil thinking that wer going out somewhere. Hrmm. But plans changed. He had to settle his things first. So, i went to kakak's place instead and we went to Starbucks to have cappucino frapp with java chips. Been craving that for ages. So we sat down, and talked. There was this feeling inside of me that i couldnt describe it. I wasnt angry. Im not sure whether i was hurt. But its like as if ive been slashed. And the pain is causing my feelings to go numb but the heart is hurting...(i dont know what that means so, go figure)

So instead, went to lepak with his friends at restu and spend some time with them. I miss those guys. So i diverted my attention to them instead to calm myself down. There was this point of time where he kinda raised his voice at me.

Him: "You nak makan?"

Her: "You?"

Him: "Eh eh, i tanyer you."

Her: "I tak tau. You nak makan?"

Him (raised voice): "Apa ni, I tanyer you, you tanya i??"

That point of time, i felt like walking off. Pasal makan pun nak kena tinggikan suara dpn org pe? Haiz, takpe. Im not gonna let all my cryings for the whole of 5 days to be wasted by just this stupid moment and just walk off. Suck it in...suck it in...Fine. Let the ball rolling. You wanna be ignorant, i shall be ignorant. So i shall not get hurt. So in the end, both of us didnt eat. After a while, we left them.

We sat at our normal spot and there, he let it out...

Him: "Baru one week i dalam camp, trus you change."

That change word scares me. I have changed? How? When? What? Questions lingering in my mind. There were many times, that i wanted so bad to defend myself. But then again, i think that would be being defensive. Let the man speak. He rarely does that. So lets have some lights on him and let him do his monologue.

He spoke for so long. He told me everything. He told me that hes upset with me. For not msging him. That i used to msg him goodmorning msgs and now i never do so. For not msging him my whereabouts. He was upset that when the first thing he did whenever he had the opportunity to return to his bunk, he would check his hp to see my msgs. And each time he did that, he always got dissapointed as he saw none. He said that on tuesday, he told me that he wanted me to msg him morning msgs. (but i couldnt remember hearing that) He continued talking. Could see how upset he was. How he did not want things to change. How he wanted things to be as how it used to be.

But the thing is, you and i know dear, its not like that...

Ever since he went to camp, i dont know what i should be doing to avoid crying and instead get a grip on myself. So i tried not msging him. Keep myself occupied. But nevertheless always have him in my mind and heart. So i continued my days doing so. With no knowledge whatsoever that he expects my msgs every single day. I thought my time with him was only at night and i would try and tell him my activities for the whole day during that 15-30 mins conversation. We didnt have much time even on the phone. Thus i was quite upset for quite a few times.

Now it leaves me to a lost situation again. But at least for now, i know what he wants. But then again, by constantly msging him, im not helping myself to not think about him. I now, am not sure, how to do so while getting a grip on myself. Okay, but at least i can try. We shall see how this week goes.

You know what, im kinda excited of looking at how all these trial and errors will help me and my relationship. Ive never gone through being with someone in camp. And im so attached to him that i dont know how to detach myself. I will keep on trying till i find myself comfortable in that position and he is happy with me being so, then i shall know that i have found the right way to handle it.

P.S: I love you dearest.

"Jangan kau bimbang sayang, dimana ku berada...
Dengan siapa ku bersama, jangan bimbang
Ku tetap kau yang punya..."

The night.

2008-12-21T16:19:00.002+08:00

Thursday...

Went swimming with adik. Swam 10 laps ahhh...hahah...but in an hour! blahh! hahaha. so damn long lah. but oh god, i realized how short breaths i have and how i cannot control my breathing at times...but i had some bonding time with adik and adik taught me how to swim properly. (though i didnt really get it perfectly done but i tried at least. =P hehe!)

After sending ashraff home, went to safra bowling and watched the guys bowl. That night, though i am physically there, my mind and heart was somewhere else. As you might have guessed, yes. I was missing him so bad. That night was terrible. Everything i touch just reminds me of him. Every single thing. There was a moment of time where i couldnt breathe. Cause my whole mind was so occupied with his images and i was trying so hard not to cry that i find difficulty in breathing. That night he was very busy, so he called late. We talked for awhile only cause he had to sleep.

I told him i would be going off soon. But plans changed. We went to lepak instead. And stayed the whole night outside. Kakak, me, man, yat. The whole night i wished that he would be there with me. I was missing him so badly and i knew if i were to go home, i would spend the night crying and i wouldnt sleep until like what 6 am? Thats what i have been doing past nights. Cry myself to sleep. So in order to avoid that, i decided to spend the night with my friends.

At 6am, i called him to wake him up. Yes, he was angry. Angry that i didnt tell him i didnt go home. Angry that i didnt go home. He didnt msg me a morning msg that night. He didnt sound okay when he put down the phone on me. When i reached home, i cried so badly.

Day 2-photoshoot + baking cake

2008-12-21T16:09:00.001+08:00

On Wednesday, came to school for another photoshoot. Ferooze required me to have another round as the previous ones i took on tuesday were kinda dark. After that, we went to buy ingredients to bake a surprise birthday cake for farah's boyfriend. That was damn fun! But by the end of it, we were pretty exhausted. But for that moment, i felt that wer back in our secondary school days. Acting like a lunatic. And as i watch them, how we have all grown up and have achieved in life. The world change, things change, and that does not leave out the humans. People change but its up to us friends to accept their changes, cause if everyone else despise them, they only have us; their friends. I love them and no matter what happens, they'll be mine to keep. Forever.

Day 1-photoshoot

2008-12-21T16:01:00.002+08:00

Theres loads of things happening and i didnt even update in my blog. Okay, lets start with...on tuesday, i had a photoshoot with ferooze. Helping him out for his project. That was damn fun. Being a schizo and showing expressions through the eyes and body movements. It was very interesting and i enjoy doing them. =) The girls and me (farah, sery, zie [who had to leave off early due to class]) had so much fun. After that farah sery ooze and me went to Restu to have dinner/supper. Did some catching up and i really miss them so much. Getting to spend quality time and share laughters was definitely a wonderful time spent.

Finding the strength.

2008-12-17T04:30:00.000+08:00

Dear God, everything i do reminds me of him.

I cant sleep well nowadays.

Please save me, from myself.

Farewell...

2008-12-15T12:01:00.000+08:00

And there he goes...my police boy...my lover. Haha, kakak said this "Macam lah dia nak gi perang!" Alahh, first time dapat rasa boyfriend gi camp. Jadi takut lah kan. Pikir tak ya rasa2 NS period and all, dapat elak NS kena 8 mths camp. Tapi nasib each week dia book out. At least dapat jugak jumpa dia. (appreciate hidayah...)

Now everything i touch, see, smell, hear reminds me of him...and im already starting to miss him like crazy...i need to occupy my time.

I love him so much. And i pray nothing will change that.

The kiss

2008-12-13T00:33:00.000+08:00

It was a wonderful evening i had with him.
The quality moment that i had been wanting.
Ive got it.
This moment alongside with many others shall keep me company while hes gone.

Dear fetched me from school and we first went to the beach. We couldnt sit on our normal breakwater as there were quite a number of people occupying our space. So we sat on some bench instead, facing the sea nevertheless. We talked. We cuddled. I got to smell him and feel his body close to mine. The physical affection i had missed so much. He got bored after a while just sitting there, and we were quite hungry. We went to eat at the coffee shop near my place. We both ordered mee and both of us could not finish our mee. We also ordered ikan pari. But hrmm the food was overall quite dissapointing but as long as the tummy is filled and we enjoyed being with each other's company, thats enough for us. He then sent me home and kissed me. A kiss after almost two weeks. Hehehe...

Thank you kakak...=)

Dear, i love you...muacccckkkksssss....

sunshine, i miss you.

2008-12-12T01:19:00.000+08:00

I miss stroking his hair.
I miss his sweaty palms which i find very sexy. =p
I miss smelling his armpit and find it the freshest smell ever.
I miss touching his hairy legs and try to pull out the bulu.
I miss pinching him.
I miss trying to make him geli by finding the correct spot and tickle him.
I miss biting him at his upper arm.
I miss kissing his face.
I miss lying down on his lap.
I miss massaging him.
I miss him lying down on my lap.
I miss his hugs.
I miss his kisses.
I miss the way he kisses me.
I miss his voice.
I miss his laughter.
I miss his smile.

But i miss him the most.

Daily dosage

2008-12-08T23:47:00.000+08:00

I miss you, dearest boyfriend. <3

Honey...honey....

Choppy waters

2008-12-06T23:11:00.000+08:00

What a rough night we went through last night...

I always blame him.
I always point my finger at him not realizing four fingers are pointing at me back.
I always say "i want this, i want that."
I always put him in the wrong.

But never did i blame myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear. thank you cause despite my ugly, arrogant, selfish, temperamental self, you stood by me and willing to give me another chance. You're still here with me.

I'm terribly sorry for the damages ive caused.

I love you, my superhuman.

Bruised.

2008-12-03T12:32:00.000+08:00

Yes, i may laugh with you. I may smile. I may joke around. I can be the goofy bimbotic stupid silly me.

But have you ever tried to look in my eyes?
Look within me?
Beneath all those smiles?
Beneath all those laughters?

Torrents, eruptions.
Has made me a frail, scared, shaken five-year old girl.

Underneath, I bruise easily.
Theres a mark you leave, like a love heart carved on a tree.
Like a scratch mark on the surface without moving me.
So please be gentle when you handle me.

you need him because you love him OR you love him because you need him?

2008-12-01T01:40:00.001+08:00

He keeps me sane.
He keeps it real.
He keeps it sincere.
He keeps it simple.

We tumble. We fumble. We crawl.
We rise. We fall.

At times i sit down.
Just thinking if ever one day hes no longer mine.
What will i do?
How will i handle it?
How will i cope?
And the thought of it, i swear, will always make me cry.

It came to a point where i just cannot imagine whats life without him.
Who am i suppose to message everyday?
Who am i suppose to call every night?
Who am i suppose to smile about whenever the thought of that person comes to mind?

But most importantly, who could ever tolerate me?
Who could ever accept me with all my flaws?
I came to believe that ONLY he could get me out of my bad habits.

He does not make things easy for me.
He taught me things the hard way.
He will ensure that i learn.
He will talk sense into me.
He will make me realize.
What a spoilt brat i am.

Regardless of who i am.
What ive become.
What im going through.
He has been there.
Through it all.

I love him so much that i know i will go insane when hes gone.
I cant live without him.
I cant breathe without him.

I need him because i love him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, prolly im drunk with love right now. =)
But its been awhile ive blogged about him.
I think. Hehe.

Anyways, we went out just now.
Went to Plaza Singapura to catch Madagascar 2 and had dinner together at KFC.
Been awhile since we've went out and have some fun together.
Watch a fun movie.
Him taking my hand and kissing it.
Me being in his arms feeling his warmth.
At the end of the day, a kiss on the forehead.
Leaves me on the high till now. =)

He at times does things unexpectedly.
Ok, i just had to rant this out.

Initially, when we were walking, i wanted to hold his arm. For a few seconds, it stayed there then he will fidget. Or dont allow me to like hold his hand. Yesterday i wanted to lie on his shoulders but he shrugged and fidget. Gestures of not wanting those physical affection. It brought me to tears just now. So while he was queing at starhub to collect his queue number, i stood outside. Intending to wait for him there till hes done. Then he came beside me then asked me why i was standing outside. I said i was waiting for him cuz if i were to sit down, he would be searching for me. Then he asked me this. "You dont want to queue with me?" I just kept silent. Cos at that point of time, i was already on the bridge of tears. Been 1 week i didnt see him so i just want a lil affection. Too much to ask for? But then when wer sitting down waiting for his number to be called out, he suddenly held my hand.=) He always does things at the unexpected moment and timing. But the timing is always perfect. Just in time to discard all those negativity and bring that glow in my heart. And make me smile. Hehe.

Hes simply amazing.
Simple thing he does.
His smile.

Im always very happy when he started talking about something.
That means he has warmed up for the day. Hehe.
Just like an engine, it needs to be warmed up before the car could run.
Yerp, thats my baby!

He makes me a very happy goopey woopy loopy woman today.
(Whatever that means. =P)

I love him. <3

PaperCut

2008-11-23T20:36:00.000+08:00

Dearest readers,

Apologies for the un-updated blog. Hehe. I hardly had any time even to go online and check my hotmail. Anwhooos...ive got loads to tell!

First and foremost, Dramatec's long awaited Main Production called PaperCut has just ended yesterday. I would say it was a blast. The experience all of us had gone through together. One thing about this bunch of people is that, they are committed, passionately driven and fun. When it comes to a production, they are NEVER self-centered. Always help each other to build their characters. They never steal limelight. Instead they share, they bounce the energy and they shine. We shine altogether. I am very very proud of my Dramatec mates. We may not be a huge bunch but trust me just us is enough to turn the school topsy turvy. PaperCut to me was something different. Its never easy to showcase killing or suicide on stage as a performance. It always turns out morbid. But what PaperCut has done to avoid that is we have added twists and humour in the show so it doesnt seem to dark and like i said earlier, morbid. It was entertaining as well as tensely haunting. But then again, that is my point of view as a cast.

I played Tanya Milliard, the wife of Roger Milliard who is the lead in this show. He is a writer who writes about thriller stories. A writer who frequently lets his imagination run wild and to a point that it took control of his mind and life. Tanya, who is also a journalist, felt neglected by her husband and somehow, she strayed away with Harry Lim, a fanatic fan of Roger Milliard who in the end drove Roger to madness. As Harry and Roger talks about stories for his new book, they discovered many interesting characters and stories.

1) A wife who seems too PERFECT. Always smiling. Always chirpy and happy. Bakes muffins. Ever so sweet. BUT, the twist is she is a killer. Who kills men and people who she thinks is disrupting her peacefulness. Eg. the plumber. He was killed for showing his butt crack in front of her. A bit too much? Yes. That's her. And then comes the husband who had enough of her ever so sweet loving wife. He cant seem to be able to find any wrong with her and that is driving him nuts! Little did he know that, he is living with the most dangerous killer. There is also a maid named Siti, who helps the wife to clean up all the mess and a nosy neighbour who got killed too. Well, curiosity kills the cat right?

2)A diva whose fame and title had been robbed by a new comer Lisa. She wanted the lead role but that was given to Lisa and that truly angered her. With the help of characters like the Director, her agent and her make-up artist, they drove her to the decision of ending Lisa's career. Oh no wait, not just her career. But her life as well. And what a nice way to end her life on stage?

3) A psychopath who, due to his car accident which caused him to lose his friend Morris, had been staying in the mental hospital. He regards himself as the doctor. This was done in a monologue by the talented Juz.

And it ended with Roger realizing about Harry not being just a manifestation of his imagination but a real person and uncovering about all the dark secrets between Harry and Tanya. The best story will always be your life story.

~The End~

Who are we?

2008-11-15T09:22:00.000+08:00

What is life without ups and downs?
What is love without smiles and cries?
What is hope without goals and failures?

What is me without you?
What is she without you?
What is he without you?
What are they without both of you?

We definitely need each other.

P.S: I learnt a new word. Fuckatree (fuck-a-tree) hahah! Thanks to Charmaine-der.

Update

2008-10-30T09:03:00.000+08:00

Life's been bleak eversince IT happened.
Eversince i started working.
Eversince...i dont know when.

I miss school days. I miss those slacking moments. I miss ITAS. I miss coming to school for the sake of friends ONLY and just hanging out with them the whole day watching movie at the library or sit down at ITAS and talk endlessly. I miss waiting till 6 plus for drama. I miss drama. Titisan and Dramatec. Passion has always been my getaway. Whether i have any problems or going through some rough days, drama has always been my portkey to transfer all that negative energy to the activities. I miss acting.

Eversince IT happened, i feel that i have changed. I have become more temperamental and more protective of the people i love. I dont know how to differentiate the anger from different people. When im angry, i sort of unleash that anger on wan as well. And things between us will swell up and then BOOOOM! And it will end up with my tears. I dont want him to think that i think that things can be settled with just crying. I wanna work it out talk it out without crying. Its just been ups and downs lately. For now, wer just trying to keep it low. Hes tired of arguments. And i cant stand another factor to make me feel like a failure. Ive failed enough in my duties. I dont think i can bear feeling that i have failed as a girlfriend. I love him too much We shall take it slow. Cos i miss you and all the fun times we had that i dont want another arguments to spoil our 'calm' moments now.

Ive been meeting up with wan's sister lately. Kak Nur. A wonderful dearest sister. And im really loving her. And strangely enough im even already treating her and talking to her like shes really an elder sister to me. I feel belonged when im with her. Like she makes me feel that theres another family waiting for me out there. Hopefully, insyallah...Shes really open about herself and that really makes me feel comfortable. Shes just so comforting. I just feel that i have a family again. I really miss that feeling. I miss being the comfort-ed one instead of being the comforting one. Oh well...oh, and we went window shopping for baby's things yesterday. It was sooo fun! She's 6 months preggie and i can barely waittttt! Im gonna pamper that lil girl...hehe.

My darlings, farah seri ooze zie, im missing them today. I realized that they will be there for me when i reach out to them. They have been there for me whenever i needed them for support. Its time to bridge those longg missed moments. I love them. Theyre my first ever clique. And i love them so much. I would like to spend more time with them. I will make time for them. I will.

Kakak and fima and dil. Met up with them recently for fima's open house. Ohhhhh eu have no idea how much ive missed them! They who make me feel ever so real and so lepakk...First and foremost, happy 19th to Fimaaaaaaa!!!! I louuuuuuveeeeee youuuuuuu! Hehe...Glad that things are working out with her and her wan on the other side. Yes, we have the same-name bf. Hehe...Its veryyy nice to see them both in love. Im so happy for you, bitchh..Shes ma bitchhh....kakak, people, please just let her be, can? We who love her will take care of her and make sure she doesnt do anything stupid. Pleaase stop adding to her pain please? She knows what shes doing...Dil and i and fima and many others will protect her. All the redundant people, MOVE! I miss mokkk Dil!

Theres gonna be a short KL trip that the gfs and the bfs are going...Wan's friends...how i wish i could join them. It sounds sooo funn! I miss spending time with those gfs...Imah, wati, siti, luna and not forgetting sis rina...Been awhile i spent time with them. Last time was raya bt without sis rina...I miss that strong woman. Hehe. Ohhhh and today is AFIQ'S 22ND BIRTHDAYYYYY! yeayyyy everybody shout HAPPY BIRTHDAYY! hehehe...

Treasure all the love around you cos you might never know the next second, something might just crop up and you need these love to keep you strong.

Confessions.

2008-10-23T09:53:00.000+08:00

Through good and bad times.
Through strong currents and beautiful waves.
Through it all.
Through with you.
Im done.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, wer 19 months todayyy! hehe. Me and ma boo. hehe. I love him and till now, this love hasnt decreased one bit. In fact, it blossoms each and every day. Yes, i get angry with him. Yes, i annoy him with my antics and stubborness. But wer never letting each other go. Unless, its time and its fate that wer not meant to be together. But till then, i love him so much and im very happy being with him and nothing or noone has ever made me feel this way. One thing for sure, noone can replace him in my heart.

When the going gets tough

2008-10-14T23:23:00.000+08:00

Dear God.

I can barely take this anymore.

Yeay2 hari raya!

2008-10-04T13:20:00.000+08:00

Salam Lebaran kepada semuaaaa umat2 Islam.
Maupun yang puasa atau yang tak puasa...confirm enjoy kan raya?
Hehe.
Sempena bulan raya ni kan, dayah/hid/kakak yaya/yaya/pisang/apa-apa lagi lah yang korang panggil saya...

Nak pohon maaf atas segala kesilapan yang dilakukan terhadap eu all semua. Banyak yang telah saya kecilkan hati, mengguriskan hati, melukakan hati, apa-apa lagi yang dikaitkan dengan hati lah yer. Maklumlah, kita ni kadang-kadang tak sadar bila terover, terhyper, teraksyen, terngumpat, terkasar bahasa, terpukul, terpegang (ahem...ahem).

Haha. okay2 serious2.

Seriously, ive done alot of bad things to people. And im really sorry. Mana yang sengaja atau tak disengaja. Alot of things have been going on for me. Im in through a really tough time. And i thank those who has been with me throughout the good and bad times. I really appreciate eur presence which does not necessarily mean physical presence. All of you have been there for me whenever i needed you and how can i ask for more from God when all of you are already a huge blessing for me. You encourage me, motivate me, to be strong. You give me the strength and meanings to life. You add the colours in my darkened days. Thank you, thank you so much. For everything.

Kakak.
Thank you for being there and hear me cry. Thank you for checking on me always and making sure that im alright. Youre the best sister that noone could ever take it from me. I wont let anyone hurt you. Cos youve put so many smiles and comfort in my life that noone is ever gonna take eur smile away. I love you so much. Forgive me for everything that i have done towards you.

Boyfriend, wan.
You have been with me throughout everything. Almost 24 hours. You call, you sms, you chat, you meet. This ramadhan ive been causing so much trouble for you and i have hurt you so much. With my endless rantings and mood swings. But regardless of all that, you are still here with me. Dear, i love you so much. You own my heart. Noone can make me feel the way you do. And there is noone who can make me love the way i love you. You never fail to encourage me and words like "It's gonna be okay..." from you are very generously said now. And guess what? I believe you. Somehow, when it comes from you, i believe it. And no matter what, we will be okay, right dear? From the bottom of my heart, i truly apologize for all the things i said, all the troubles ive made eu go through. I love you, with all my heart.

Farah, sery, aziemah, ferooze, fima, ama.
Thank you for all the smiles you have given me and provided me with. The ones who have been with me through the course of time and no matter whether its rain or shine, we can still find each other. You bunch have provided me with so much warmth and love that friends or rather sisters and 1 brother =) like you are really rare to find. No matter whether its been decades since i called eu guys, i know that when i do, you are willing to hear my cries. Thank you for the times that we have shared. And i love you, all of you. Treasures, you are.

Hydil.
Just like this paragraph on its own. Y0u are a class of your own. Someone special. Aku anggap kau macam brother aku sendiri. I can hug you. Boleh kurang ajar dengan kau. Boleh panggil kau gemuk. Boleh punch kau. With knowing that no matter what, i know eu love me. HAHAHAHA. ok bye. haha. okay entahlah bila part kau jer kan aku takleh ah serious2. bila teringat muka kau...tak boleh ah. sungguh tak boleh. haha. tapi yang aku tau, aku sayang kau. banyak2. sebab there are alot of meaningful things ive learnt from you. and like kakak, i dont like seeing or hearing eu get hurt. okay bontot? dont worry, kau sekarang kan fofular...sampai ada orang call ajer tak call aku balek. bachen! hehe. tapi serious2, i treasure this friendship i have with you. walaupun kita tak kenal lama, tapi you have placed eurself in a huge part of my life. =) cheers!

wati. imah. kak rina. siti.
I call them the girlfriends of the boyfriends. hehe. And these girls here have been there for me too. When i have problems, they are willing to hear me out. This new found friendship i have with them is really really an honour. I learnt alot from them. We share alot of our experiences together. Thank you so much for everything. Specially to wati, ive hurt you with my words the other day and im really sorry. Let bygones be bygones. Cos regardless of anything, i do and will still love you. Now and forever.

MAG family and Dramatec famm.
You are the heartbeat of my life. My passion.

Wan's friends.
Thank you for all the lepaking sessions and treating me like eur own. Thank you for layaning me on MSN and to those who have shared their problems with me, i thank you for the trust and faith. Korang dah macam brothers aku sendiri. And yes, whenever dah lama tak hangout kan, i really miss eu guys. hehe.

All of my friends.
You are treasured and i love you all. Will always be remembered and all of you have in eur own ways made an impact in my life. Thank you for even being my friend.

God.
I could never ask for more when i see all the love around me. Thank you for the strength euve given me all these while and all eur blessings. Allahu akbar.

Salam aidilfitri kepada semua umat2 Islam....

Sinarilah Qiblatku.

2008-09-22T00:42:00.000+08:00

Oh Tuhan.

Limpahkanlah sinaran mu.
Cahaya mu.
Dalam mimpi yang menghantui ku di saat ini.

Oh Tuhan.

Tegakah aku meneruskan perjalanan ini?
Sanggupkah hati ini menarungi segala?
Berdayakah kaki ini berlangkah setapak demi setapak?

Oh Tuhan.

Semangat yang dulu pernah ku selimuti diri kini kian menipis.
Diri ku menggigil kesejukkan.
Menggigil ketakutan.

Oh Tuhan.

Kemana kah arah yang harus ku ikuti?
Ke kanan atau ke kiri?
Atau menjelajahi hutan mengikuti titian ini?

Oh Tuhan.

Ingin ku lari.
Ingin ku menyelam.
Ingin ku pergi.
Jauh dari semua ini.

Tapi Oh Tuhan,

kemana harus ku pergi?

Yang mampu ku lakukan adalah melangkah.
Langkah demi langkah.
Dengan tangan terbuka.
Menerima segala yang ada.
Pasrah.
Mungkin itu yang ku terdaya.

Oh Tuhan.

Trust

2008-09-20T15:43:00.000+08:00

Everyone changes.
Everything changes.
But will your love change as well?

Now, eur doing things that eu used not to do.
And yes, it upsets me.
But then again, i dont know what to do.
But just BE okay.

it sucks when someone tarnishes that trust you have in him/her.
and as a result of that, you dont trust anyone at all.
not even yourself.
you doubt. you dont believe in anything. you dont have faith.

it just take one person.
just that one person.
for every faith that you have
to be GONE.

Just something simple

2008-09-08T00:06:00.000+08:00

I just want to let down my hair.
Barefooted.
Feet beneath the sand.
Enjoy the gentle breeze.
Savour the quiet moments.
Embracing nature's beauty.
Put them shades on.
Once in awhile, dip the tired feet in the cool water.
Munching on some snacks.
Listening to happy music.
Feel the beat going through my veins.
Groove to it.
Mind cleared from all the cloudiness.
Heart emptied from all the anger and hatred.

A simple plain happy moment.
Please?

Yours to keep, forever.

2008-09-07T00:48:00.000+08:00

He is so easy to love...=)

Dearest, don't you feel so low about yourself. Im to be blamed for everything. Ive changed you. Ive made you who you are now. I caused you to feel like this. Im sorry honey. I know that my apologies cant change anything. It doesnt change whats already happened. I made so many mistakes dear. I break you, i hurt you, i tear you apart.

You had always been there for me. And yet, i always take advantage of your presence. Get mad at you for small lil things. Unappreciative of your efforts. Demanding things, here and there.

Blame me dear. Blame me for everything. I am willing to do anything. Anything just for you honey. Just for us. I am willing to give all my efforts just to make sure that you're the one in the end for me. I dont want anyone else. This heart is locked. And only you have the key.

Whatever it is, whatever happens, whatever may come, i would always find you. I would always go back to you. I would always run to you. I would always yearn for you. Every single day, this heart and mind never stop thinking of you. You who robbed my heart and placed it in yours. You who took my hand and walked me through my life. You were there to hold me when i cry.

I dont want to ever go anywhere without you. I want to walk down the aisle with you. Holding your hand. I want to be there for you all the time. I want to be 'the one' in your life so bad. Noone else, except you.

Will it be you and me in the end? I pray.

Cos' you're my only hope.

9 year old me

2008-09-07T00:40:00.000+08:00

When life is so blue,
I look upon you
And ask whether all these are true.

You held my chin up
Looked into my eyes
And said, "Im here for you."

Sometimes, i run around
Acting all stupid and cranky
And then i dropped down and cry
Feeling so lost and crushed

If you were to look deeper in my eyes,
You could see the 9-year-old me
You could hear my cries.
Dear God, please bring me back my life.
Cos' i cant bear to hear the goodbyes.

Baby, its you thats keeping me going on...

Miracle in Ramadhan

2008-09-01T00:26:00.000+08:00

A miracle happened tonight. The speciality of the month Ramadhan. The strength and power of God. The strong love that we share. It brought us back together again. Never have i ever felt this strong presence but for once, i really felt His presence and i saw a miracle happening in front of my eyes. I saw it. I felt it.

Alhamdulillah. Thank you God.

Selamat mengerjakan ibadah puasa dan solat terawih kepada semua umat-umat Islam. Alhamdulillah we meet another month of Ramadhan to purify ourselves from our sins.

Lose yourself

2008-08-31T21:22:00.000+08:00

sometimes people tend to forget about themselves. when things look good on their side, they tend to forget who they are. and where they come from. they tend to forget their responsibilities and commitments. that's when it comes back to you and your reflection. it comes back to the question of whether you respect yourself. if teachers dont respect themselves, as being teachers, the parents of the students and the students themselves, will not respect them as being one. and when you dont respect yourself, you forget the commitments that you have and the responsibilities that you are suppose to carry out. you simply forget yourself.

when people forget, and other people take advantage of it, things became worse. and you are drawn deeper into the world of distraction. and be lost and stuck in there. until the time comes, when lightning of reality strikes and you realize where you have landed yourself upon. distractions are not a sin. distractions are everywhere. tempting you, provoking you, testing you. it is at times okay to take in these distractions but NOT embracing these distractions. distractions are supposed to just make you feel at ease. and not more than that. when you get too involved in distractions, you bring upon yourself, TROUBLE. and when you're stuck in that pithole, you don't know what to do next.

but then again, tell me if i'm wrong, every wrong that you make, somehow a person of the right mind knows that it is wrong. you know that stealing an ice cream from the mama shop is wrong, you know it. you have been instilled with values that taught you that the act of stealing is wrong. but you still do it. why? because the tempation was strong. and somehow you are prepared to face the consequences. either knowingly or unknowingly. cos you know when you do something wrong, there are bound to be consequences you should face. before you plunge yourself into that pithole, you already knew there are bound to be consequences. but you still did it. and now when you're stuck, you expect people to understand you. YOU should put in the extra effort and understand them. don't demand their acceptance of your apology. you should put in more thought and effort to it to ask them for help to get you of this pithole. when you do the act in the first place, with full knowledge of the consequences, you were somehow willing to face the consequences. but now? when it actually happen, and you HAVE to face the consequences, what do you do? run away? apologize? face it? or just let it be? but the question is here, ARE YOU READY TO MAKE THE EXTRA EFFORT to get things back to where it belongs? cos the extra effort will not be easy. it takes time, it takes numerous setbacks, it takes alot of patience. are you ready to make that effort and make things right? DO YOU WANT TO MAKE IT RIGHT?

i've always believed appreciation goes a long way. appreciation does not mean saying endless thank yous to gifts of Gucci, Guess, Coach handbags, or a gift of a precious diamond ring, or a surprise birthday party. i mean of course, you WILL say thank you to all that. common, who you're kidding? i would kiss that person right away!!!

but im talking about saying thank you to every goodnight msgs that your partner or friends gave you. for every calls that they make to check on you. for the extra effort that they put in to have lunch with you. for every night your parents tuck you in bed. for something small. for an everyday routine. like your mum preparing breakfast for you. or how your friend always say 'You look great today!' or how everyday without fail you boyfriend/girlfriend says 'I love you'. have we thanked them? maybe we have said thank you. but have we really meant the thank you? have we really thought of the effort that they put in to do all that? preparing breakfast might be normal to us but it may not be normal to others. and we being unfortunate children just be ignorant to all that. your boyfriend smiling at you. it might be nothing to you but what if one day they are not able to do that? what if even they choose not to do it anymore? what will you do? regret?

we humans tend to overlook all these small things in life. what we thought is an everyday routine. what we thought is a necessity no longer a want. what we used to appreciate so much but with time passing by we grew ignorant towards it. full of ourselves, that's what we are.

it's time to say thank you. and appreciate the small things in life. they are much more satisfactory than the huge surprises. cos' huge surprises doesn't come every day!

:)

iloveyou, muhammad ridzwan.

imissyou

2008-08-28T11:48:00.000+08:00

i want more fun times together to last through 10 weeks of SIP. to last through those moments where i feel like screaming. to last through those moments where i miss you badly. and to last through those moments where i need you but you could not be there. i really miss you alot. i miss having fun and laughing with you. just let me have one more of that with you. just one more. please. and i shall be satisfied.

cos i really miss you alot.

hanging on a line

2008-08-26T00:45:00.000+08:00

im lost and so confused.
you left me stranded feeling helpless and weak.
now im left to pick up the pieces.
of what seemed like the good times.
and try to piece it together.

God, help me?

Happy 17 months to us!

2008-08-23T04:16:00.000+08:00

Our pre-17 monthsary was spent going to city hall area walk2, buy old chang kee and watching the FIREWORKS!!!! hehe. finally, i get to watch them. our evening spent was alhamdulillah, lovable. hehe. i love you sayang. thank you for being with me for 17 months already...insyallah many more years to come?

Dear You.

2008-08-19T12:42:00.000+08:00

i don't like doing this. i don't like doing this to you. it hurts me so much cos i had to resort to doing that. but i will only stop if you stop hurting me. i dont know whether you know what youre doing. whether you know your hurting me and making me feel so low. but i hope you will see that i dont wanna do this. but i have to do it, to protect myself from getting hurt further. so please, i beg you to stop.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dearest faith,
I have always believed in you. And always holding on to you very strongly. You are my strength to hold on. You are the reason behind many acts and doings. You are the reason behind every realization of mistakes and every tears. You are why i sprung up back from every downfalls.

Dear hope,
At times i get agitated with you. Cos each time theres you, theres expectations. And i set very high expectations of myself and others that i forget to even consider whether i or them could achieve it. Which then leads to disappointment. But each time im angry with you, you give me light. The light to move on. To see brighter things. To see the other side of the coin. To see the positive side. And i smile again. Cos with you, things always seem right on your side. And i want to make it right.

Dear love,
You are the one that paints my world with colours. Makes me excited each time i feel your presence. When i see you all around me, i smile to my fullest cos im surrounded by you. Cos i have you as well. Embracing my heart and filling it to its brim. There is beauty in you and you are what makes me feel special. You make me feel that there are people out there when i need someone to hold, to cry on, to laugh with, to smile at and to comfort.

Dearest life,
We went through alot together. Every ups and downs. Every depth and corner. At times i felt like giving up, cos you bring me down. And im too tired to get up or i just want and need someone to pick me up. You confuse me at times. You make me feel so low. So useless. Pathetic and weak. But you make me a whole lot stronger when i get out of all the pitholes. You make me see greater things. You make me want to achieve more. You make me want to be a somebody. You make me change. You make me think. You make me someone better. You make me a survivor.

Dear fate,
You are my reasons behind almost everything.

Twist and turn.

2008-08-17T23:09:00.000+08:00

Just so you know, things are different now...

saviour

2008-08-16T02:06:00.000+08:00

im losing myself. someone, please save me.

and you bitch, you annoy me.

cherish the memories that you make.

2008-08-15T00:26:00.000+08:00

we went through everything from the high ends of the mountain to the very bottom of the sea. sometimes we get tired. sometimes we get dizzy and we puked and got sick. sometimes, the smooth ride suddenly met a sharp bent and we had to turn around, detour, pace ourselves, speed up, and many others.

but what made it special was the fact that at every turn, every corner, every step, every move, you were there.

'don't worry, the day i dont love you is the day you're no longer my gf.' -him

To my baby,

2008-08-06T12:33:00.000+08:00

Thank you, for everything.

HEY AKUK!

2008-08-04T17:09:00.000+08:00

I don't feel like posting anything today but the irony of it all, im writing something here. Haha.

Im crazy about lisa amanda right now. Her annoyingness and shes so much naughtier now! Haha im telling everyone this. You know last night, she called atuk, "Hey akuk!" Literally. Haha. Like atuk her fren liddat. Shes only 3 years old, i think. Haha. She was so naughty. Brought her and hayden down when i wanted to meet wan to get his laptop from him. They ran around. Hehe. Yes, that small hayden as well. Its so nice to see all of them. Though they worsen my migraine but they made me smile and laugh and provide me with loads of cuddles! Hehehehe...

Yesterday was spent on studying and doing project which i found out today that project is supposed to be submitted on Thursday while last week's project was supposed to be handed in today and i didnt noe. KENTAL! So i rushed through it just now.

Civil Procedure's test was kinda tough i think. Especially for Section A, i could not find the authorities. And i wasnt sure for Section B either. And Section C took me by surprise. Oh well. Anyway, i think ive concluded my calculations that im gonna fail my coursework grade for Company Law which means i have to take supp paper. Ergh! So much of not wanting to take supp. Well, but i passed my MLOCT test. Alhamdulillah. Haiz. I badly need an A this year. BAD!

Thank you Fung Yen for helping me study for Civ Pro. Appreciate that alot.

Had lunch with kakak, baba and fima just now. Been awhile. I miss them alot.

Dearest baby, i miss youuuuuuuuuuu! hehe.

You are weird. Just weird.

We've gone too far apart, dontcha think? I dont know whats happening but i want us back. Please.

Blessings in disguise.

2008-08-03T01:11:00.000+08:00

Its been awhile since i've updated. How things have been going on your side? Mine? Hrmm, i badly need a getaway holiday. This year 3 thingy has been taking a toll. Losing the proximity of a friendships, having so many datelines to meet, studying for endless tests, worrying for my SIP, managing time with boyfriend. Whoa. A whole lot. But one thing im glad for is that my family somehow, is very helpful at this moment of time. No chaos whatsoever. Home is where calmity is treasured.

Im glad that my girlfriend, is out of the hospital already. Was so worried about her. Im glad everything's alright now. We shall pray for eur health. And we will always be there for you, by your side. Its gonna be alright now honey...

Things look brighter on her side. Everything seems fine. Things look as if its improving. He is back with his charm. I really hope theyre gonna be fine. Cos' i want them back together again. Like before.

He has always been my smile. Hehe! I love him, and it will remain like that. Hopefully. Dearest, there is noone else that i want except you. Just you.

Goodnight world!

Tata (x19)

2008-07-28T16:06:00.000+08:00

cdkdbHAPPY NINETEENTH BIRTHDAY TATA-BOM!

haha. she had a blast last night. it was so nice to see her again. aziemah, sery and shahrul were good organizers. so much effort and time were taken to do all the planning. congrats to them cos the party was a blast as well!

it was lovely to see all of them again. and yes, like she said, lets start a new chapter of our lives. i agree. i missed them too much.

Tired.

2008-07-28T15:52:00.000+08:00

All it takes is one day for me to just fall down and cry it all out.
Before i stand back up again and and continue the marathon.
All i need was just you to be strong.
Just for that day.
But it turned out that both of us were weak.
And we fell. Together.

He snapped. Those eyes were scary. Couldnt even bring myself to look at them for long. Trying to keep it cool.

I snapped. Trying so hard to keep myself from shouting. Keeping my breathing constant. Trying to keep it cool.

It was a scary night. At the same time, a night that calmed the emotions within. Im calmer now. Just still drained from a busy weekend and from running the marathon.

For now, holding hands with him, skipping and walking at times. Looking at each other. Laughing. Having fun. Both still tired so shall take things slow and not running too fast.

I love him and will always will.

Tangled?

2008-07-25T23:07:00.000+08:00

Im feeling pretty messed up right now. I dont know. Just feel like theres alot of things are in my mind and there are alot of things i have not done yet. But the thing is, the mood is supporting the procastination. Im so lazy to do anything. I just wanna stone, can?

I wanna meet you. But i dont wanna meet you.

yeah, pretty messed up.

The Anniversary Date.

2008-07-24T12:33:00.001+08:00

Today class finished early and there was no apel lesson just now so im back home very early. It was nice passing by martyn while going out of school and he was rushing to school. Hahahaha!

Let's talk about yesterday...

Since wan was sick, he is afraid to go further places. So we decided to go to the beach. Woke him up around 5.30. Was out on the way to the beach already when i called him again to ask where he is. He just got up. Oh well. So i just went to the beach first to have some quiet alone time. Admiring nature's beauty. Wan then said hes gonna come after maghrib since its gonna be maghrib time. So i went to search for some food. Thought of munching some stuffs. But when i reached e-hub, i detoured my intentions. I went to buy a slice of cake instead. White chocolate with rasberry something2. Haha from mc cafe. To celebrate our anniversary. But too bad, wan didnt bring his lighter. Hehe. So when he came, surprised him with the cake. Sitting at our usual breakwater, we ate the cake, he played the psp. We just sat down to enjoy the moment together. Been awhile since we've been to the beach. So, there it was, our anniversary. A starry night filled with hugs and kisses. It was short but a pleasant night.

On a side note,

I am paying more attention to small details now. Not for him. Not for anyone else. But for myself. Just to make me happy. I just want happy moments for now. So, things that might spark an argument im just letting them go. Hopefully you will know how to handle my heart better this way and i hope i can be a better girlfriend by being more understanding and patient. Hopefully this is good for us.

Ps: I love you.

Blessed.

2008-07-23T13:35:00.000+08:00

It started with a blanket over the sky.
And the clouds started to cry.
The sun was nowhere to be seen.
And everything seems so mundane.

I was too lazy to get up for my lecture. Haha. The weather was no nice to just snuggle up in bed and sleep. But my phone kept ringing. Poor baby of mine. Today wan didnt go to work cause hes having diarrheoa. Hes tummy has been sensitive these days. Sounds familiar? Haha. He once said, "Kita kan kalau sakit share-share." Kesian dia. Maybe i would visit him later if hes not well to go out. Cos' thought of going out and celebrate our anniversary. Never mind, can celebrate underneath his blk. hehe.

I miss him, alot.

And i miss my girlfriends and my cousins. Feeling abit emo today.

But at the same time i feel blessed today, to know that i have alot of people to love. There was once a saying that said, "To feel blessed is not hearing how much people love you, but how you can express your love."

so, till then, God, thank you for having all these wonderful people around me to love.

Baby, i love you.

16 months.

2008-07-23T00:38:00.000+08:00

First of all, Happy 16 months to us my dearest...and i love you so very much! =)

Had lunch with baby just now. After going for his interview of some test, he was hungry so rang me up for lunch. We ate at the kedai kopi near my place. He was tired after that so after lunch and hanging out on the sofa outside my house, he went off. With a kiss planted on my forehead.

I felt alil off today. Felt very restless and craved for some ice cream. Must be the menses. Haha. It did affect my mood with him in the afternoon. Was disappointed and all but then, i let it go. Just found no use in feeling down and spoil the day. Its better letting it go and enjoying whats left of the day, right?

And with that i want to say how much i love and miss my boyfriend.

Its a sunny day! =D

2008-07-22T11:09:00.000+08:00

GOOOOOOOOOOD MORRRRNINGGGGG worllddddddddd! =D

Alright, here we go.

Yesterday had my partnership and accountings test. Was okay, i think. I mean i dont know. Like it scares me that its doable. Its 2 questions only to be completed in 50 mins. I went out early. Another thing that scares me. Cos i didnt wanna check my paper. Haha! Just wanna get it done and over with. Oh well, thats over.

After that had drama. Discussed a few things about our concept and our story line for Magus Luna. Then after drama, me kakak baba went to Long John at Tamp to eat. I damn hungry sia last night. Supposedly, wanted to eat at kedai kopi near my house there with wan but i feel for long john last night. Wan decided to meet me after that near my place there. I think my stomach is still healing or something so i have to be really watchful of my diet and the amount i eat or something cos' on the way home last night, i felt like really puking. So i went home first to put my bag and all, and puked. Erggh. I ate too much cheese...yeahh, eu can imagine how the vomit looks like and tastes like. HAHAHA! reading this back, i feel like puking now.

After being done with all that, went downstairs to meet wan. Brought the PSP along. He played while i stayed by his side watch him play and at times i put my head down and enjoy the company. He will constantly pull back my hair and kiss me. hehehe. Up till now, after in a days time 1 year 4 months of relationship, i still feel the tingling sensation, the butterflies in my tummy, the adrenalin rush, the occasional blush, whenever he meets me or touches me. I am still very much or rather increasingly more with each passing day in love with him. All i can say is his charm and sincerity that makes me fall in love with him each day. Its like everyday, im falling in love with him. hehehe.

Well, these are the happy moments...When comes to the arguments, haiyooo damn emotional. haha. Adding to that, im having my period now, sooooo get ready for the PMS! Actually more of the demand for attention, the extra care etc3. Poor wan. Had to tolerate all these each time i my period came. Sorry sayang...

Till' then, enjoy the sunny day bebz!

weekends.

2008-07-21T00:26:00.000+08:00

Ferooze, sorry i didnt go to eur exhibition on saturday. I really wanted to go, i swear. But my father asked the whole family to go to some carnival. Im sorry again...which leads me to the next part.

That saturday, supposedly me and wan go to the exhibition. But ayah asked to go to the carnival and asked to bring wan along. So my family and cik ogy's family went to the carnival first. Wan joined us later as he had to help his father to do some stuffs. When we reached, it was like pathetic. The carnival was a bore and a disappointment. Maybe it was towards the ending, but dunno lahh. It was just "Huhh? Thats it?" Haha. Apa dahhh! So when wer about to walk back to the car, wan came with his bike. So we detoured to the pasir ris park the spiderweb there.

So when we reached, we ate some biscuits and all. Then i was just mentioning to wan that i feel like eating lontong goreng. And then cik ogy opened the lid of the tupperware and there it was! LONTONG GORENG! hehe. it was like a second ago i told wan that. so, me and wan shared together some lontong goreng. it was damnn niceee. it was spicy and it hurts my tummy but it felt soo good! hehe. played with wan the PSP for awhile. asked him to try the stage that i was in. haha! so much of champion lahh ehh. heheheh! we talked, laughed. a very good family time together. it felt good. being with my family and him at the same time. sharing the same jokes. laughing about the same things. im glad that they're comfortable with him and him comfortable with them. there was this one point of time, i just somehow took a step back from my own point of view and viewed the whole situation, and smiled. it was such a nice moment. and how i hoped this wouldnt be the last. till the end of time? i certainly pray for that. anyway, we were stuck at some shelter cause it rained quite heavily. but after awhile, the rain wasnt as heavy as before, we decided to go off cause wer gonna go johor that night as well so need to send the kids home first. but kesian wan, it was still drizzling so he took the bike in the rain. sorry sayang! but anyway, hehe, while we were trying to get across the big drain at the park to get to the car, as my legs were short, i almost lost my balance. luckily, wan was beside me. haha! i hold on to him, and he pulled me up. awwwwwww. that moment, wohoooo! like wanna hug him and kiss him there and then.

so after all that, we went to johor. had prata. laughed in the car. pretty good chilling time. and went home and zzzzzz....

and just now, the whole family went to botanical gardens to watch izam's band performance. i enjoyed it very much. the music was fun! so congratulations to meridian jc band. awesome performance. ohhh, and i sooo wanna go botanical gardens again. this time WITH the camera. its so beautiful! pity wan couldnt follow cause he had to go to his cousin's place. there was a family gathering.

he had fun. i had fun. so thats fair for us! hehe...

BUTTTTTTTTTT i have like accounts test tom and im nt done with my studying. how? DIE! hahahahahah. oh well.

till then, goodnight beautiful world and sweet dreams!

You make me fall in love.

2008-07-19T11:09:00.000+08:00

Good morning beautiful world...

My stomach is still hurting quite badly. I dont know whats going on. Maybe its not just constipation? I dont know, but i sure hope that its not something serious. I really hope its gonna pass after a few days.

Yesterday i had a long day at school. From 10am till 8.30pm. Had tutorial, lecture which we received our company law paper. I did terrible. No, not terrible. HORRIBLE! hehe. 14.5/45! Can eu imagine that? Oh god. And straightaway after that i had MLOCT test. Another eurgh! Its tough for me. Pray that at least i would pass...I dont wanna repeat my subjects! Haiyooooooooooooooooo. After that i had drama. Drama was so fun! We played some imitating games, then we did this improvised spacewalk, then we performed our pieces for Magus Luna. Eric and elias's piece was soooo funny that my stomach hurts so bad laughing! hahahahha. really2! it was suuuuchhhhha tickling piece! (whatever that means. haha!)

And after that, me with wan and friends went to catch Batman, The Dark Knight. Although we sat at the front row and it hurts our neck like crap, the show was pretty awesome. I never thought i would appreciate Batman. But oh, i fell in love with his bike and car! Damn, they were sooo hot. The movie was satisfying and ohh, i think Batman's voice is sexyyy? Anyone beg to differ? I mean its better than whiny immature Spiderman's voice. Not that i dont like Spiderman, i do! But just that i find his voice abit annoying. Batman's voice is soooooo deep. haha! Anyway, during the show, my stomach hurts like crazy. Cos' firstly i hvnt eaten my dinner. I had an early lunch at 11 plus. Since i didnt eat anything in the afternoon, i couldnt take medicine. And since i hvnt eaten anything at night, couldnt eat medicine as well. And during the movie, it hurts sooo bad! But but, my baby was beside me. Throughout the whole movie, he was holding me and didnt even wanna let go of me. There was this point that my back hurts cause its not a couple seat and it hurts when eur sides hit the hand rest thing. So i sat up. He hold my hands. And make sure hes in any way in body contact with me. Hehe. He's so sweet...(ok, i am so sorry if this is boring you or is making eu puke and all but eu can skip this part okay? hehe. sorry!)Keep asking me whether im okay. Hugged me. Even if it doesnt really ease the pain, but it helps put my mind of the pain. And it did feel better being around him. Why am i in love with him? Cos' hes just HIM. Baby, thank you. For everything.

Oh before i continue, you know the night before, he was supposed to meet me right, but he had some other plans and all. Yeah i was pretty upset cause like he said hes gonna meet me after each and every cancellation, but in the end he didnt. So i was pretty upset. And he was so cute! He kept apologizing, saying sorry and he was so guilty about it. It was already 12.30++ and he said he could come over my area and meet me for awhile. Haha. Damn, he must have felt guilty! Hehheheh. And he was being oh, so sweet! Saying, "Although my words are not strong enough to help you ease the pain, but im here with you ok..." And this heart just melted. Hehe! See, it doesnt take alot to melt me. And he need not have all those flowery language. Just him being nice and sincere, that can put me on cloud 9. (which is a brand of a chocolate) Haha!

Ok, so back to yesterday. After movie we went to Restu to eat and drink for awhile. I drank tea and shared maggi soup with him. We finished the maggi and i was thirsty, so i took a sip of his milo. Really, it was a sip. Ok, maybe a few sips. Hahahahah! And a few seconds later, im not joking, a few seconds later, i felt like puking. And yes, the minute i reaced the toilet, i puked. EVERYTHING. The food wasnt even digested yet. Erghh. And couldnt stop puking until everything comes out. I was like please, please, at least leave me some food in the tummy. But that didnt happen. After puking, i felt worse! My tummy was like so tight. And i felt so giddy. Luckily for me, zul brought his lorry. So he sent me home.

All in all, yesterday was sickly but lovely as well. =)

Well, i dont feel like studying for monday's test. And i hopefully am going to ferooze's photo exhibition and tomorrow am going botanical gardens. Tell me when am i gonna study? I dont know. Really. With my condition like this, i just feel like resting and lying down.

So with that, good day world. And beatiful sunshine, shine all the love to all of us here. Let the love put a smile on our faces. Cos' i wanna share this smile with everyone. =D

Baby, you're my world. Loves.

Appreciation is the simplest thank you.

2008-07-17T21:11:00.000+08:00

Firstly, thanks to all those who left a comment on the previous post. Thank you so much for the love and concern. From the bottom of my heart, i really appreciate it. Thank you. =)

On a happier note, me and him are going on well. Those blurr moments were passing by now. And we are both in a happier and brighter light. He was just stressed up with his current situation and tired and all, and me being stupid just had to be emotional and sensitive. Haha! Things with hidayah at times dont change. =P Anyway, no matter what it is, no matter what happens, we know at the end of the day, what we want, who we want, and who we love. And that for me is the most important thing. Believe and faith. So lovers out there, give your man a break. They at times need comfort as well. And need the "Dear, you're gonna be fine. Im here for you." Not just us ladies, them men want it too. He said this during one of our online chat, "Im sorry for being a girl." I realized something. In relationships, there are no such thing as im a girl so therefore i need to be MORE pampered and cared and loved and given more attention while you being a guy MUST be strong, provide me with security, spend your money during dates, buy for me things, surprises me, constantly says i love you etc2. In relationships, you share all these things. At times we have to be the guys and them guys be the ladies. So again lovers, lets be fair to them men. Lets be equal in our relationships and be it men and women, work hard for your relationship TOGETHER. Move the boat to where you want it to be. Good luck!

Just a lil recap, yesterday, after school met him for lunch at kfc near my school. It was fun! We had psp and he was showing off how "champion" he could be. Haha! We were both showing off our skills playing Diner Dash. Haha! We laughed, ate and most importantly, had fun. And that, i treasure. Cos' in a relationship, try to have as much fun on dates as possible cos' whent he dark days come by, you use this fun times as your shield to be strong. So baby, if you're reading this, i AM the champion! heheheh...try proving me wrong by playing this stage i saved for you. see you later and try proving me wrong okay bb? haha!

And today i didn't go school cause my stomach hurts so bad. And i had migraine. Went to the doctor and she said i had some constipation problems. And guess what wan said. And this is the sentence for the day thats gonna make me laugh each time i read it. "Your stomach is full of shit!" hahahahahahahhaha!

With that, goodnight everyone and have a good rest. Loves.

PS:I love you muhammad ridzwan. Always and forever.

Kata-an.

2008-07-14T14:16:00.000+08:00

kadang-kadang tu kan, aku ada duk pikir kan.
makna hidup aku sekarang.
kadang-kadang bila jalan ramai-ramai, aku tengok yang lain.
semua dengan partner masing-masing.
mana yang pimpin tangan, mana yang jalan bersebelahan.
abeh bila aku tengok diri aku sendiri, aku kat blakang.
yer, mungkin ni rintihan.
atau aku sedang beremosi-an.
sebab kelaparan.

tapi, aku kadang-kadang tu, nak jugak lah kan
kau pegang aku nyer tangan.
nak rasa lah jugak dibanggakan
sebab kau ni dia nyer perempuan.
tapi, susah lah kan.
permintaan yang bukan-bukan.

sekarang ni kan,
jarang kau cakap kau sayang.
message pagi-pagi pun takder lagi "good morning sayang!"
ni melibatkan hati dan perasaan.
jadi sabarlah kawan.
jangan putus harapan.
percayai diri sendiri,
yang si Dia masih sayang.

MALU!

2008-07-11T23:49:00.000+08:00

Geram lah sehh.
Bebual banyak, buat nyer tidak.
Kita biar rendah diri, walauapapun.
Jangan rasa diri tu bagus atau champion lah kan.
Please, do yourself a favour.
Aku sendiri yang malu lah sehh.

Drama.

2008-07-11T23:37:00.000+08:00

When visions that you foresee, aint no longer there.
When happiness that now you have, vanish into thin air.
What would you do?
How would you feel?

Just some random thoughts after watching this drama at suria. Really, it really touched my heart and i cried. It was so sad. Like you fell in love with someone, and even wanted to get married with that someone. Then there was someone else who interfered and somehow, use mean ways to get you. And your love has to be sacrificed. Gosh, i cant bring myself to even imagine that. Its very scaryy.

And at the same time, what if after marriage or after a long relationship, you realized you're being with the wrong guy? Or you lost the love that both of you shared? Or found a new love?

Oh god, oh god.

I just wanna cry.

2008-07-09T20:30:00.000+08:00

Its been awhile i cried like this.
My chest is so hurting.
While swallowing back the tears while in the rain,
I couldn't breathe properly.

Dear God, wash these tears away with the rain.
Please.
Cos its not getting any better.

Lepak.

2008-07-06T02:20:00.000+08:00

The day started with plans cocking up.
With me just lying down on sofa.
Doing my stuffs.
And was f-ing bored.

My day was pretty mundane and it was going down the drain.
Then ayah and ibu asked to join them to go Auntie Liza's place
When i actually thought of thinking of going esplanade ALONE.
Baby already didnt allow me to go. But me being rude i said, "Biarlah."
Tsk tsk tsk. Hidayah, hidayah....

Anyway, im dissapointed.
I was really sad about it.
You guys went dinner.
And i know nuts about it.
You could have asked me.
I planned to meet eu guys.
But yet, haiz.

But then again, there is noone but me to be blamed.
Who ask eu to cancel on them soooo many times?
You deserve it!

Haiz. But put the sad note aside.

I went out with Wan and Afiq, Aiman and Zul.
Afiq, Aiman and Zul picked me up from Auntie Liza's place and Wan met us there.
We went to Changi.
And chill.
Whow, we talked from topics to topics.
Sampai 2.00 pagi beb!
Gerek, gerek. Hahha!
"Never break the bond of the brothers!" -No. 1 rule!

I love them. And i love Him!
Now that his jacket is with me, its keeping me company all night long! haha.
Baby, i miss your kisses.
Loving you sweetheart!

And Afiq, its the green light.
GO!
HAHA.

2008-07-02T23:53:00.000+08:00

You know the feeling of being sick?
Like helpless and feel sooo...ergh.
Yeah, thats how i feel.
Like im dragging my feet to walk.
Dont even have the energy to smile.
Like i have to force myself to smile.
And at times i feel like anytime, i could just drop on the ground.
And faint or die.
Haha. Dont know la. Just feel so sick.

And im not thinking.
I was crossing the road just now when the traffic light clearly showed red. But i still crossed. And i saw an oncoming car coming fast. But i still crossed. And im not even running to cross the road. I was dragging my two feet to walk faster. WALK FASTER and not RUNNING! i cant think!

i just feel as if im on the clouds or something. like in a daze. my mind's so clouded. dont know about what.

i wanna puke. im fucking hungry but nothing seems appealing to me except for COKE! which is NOT food. haiyooo...ive been drinking endlessly.

and i even have cold sweat at times.
signs of death?
oh dear.

Kisses to the One.

2008-06-29T23:44:00.000+08:00

Darling, i miss you.
I miss the hugs and kisses.
I miss the warmth that i feel whenever im around you.
I miss your smiles and laughters.
Baby, i miss you.

Insyallah Mak is going to be alright baby.
And, i LOVE you.

A magical night.

2008-06-29T23:42:00.000+08:00

The night was magical.
Thank YOU, love.
*winks*

With you.

2008-06-27T19:17:00.000+08:00

I cannot live without you.

I will be-Leona Lewis

2008-06-26T01:35:00.000+08:00

There's nothing I could say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me

All the pain, the tears I cried
Still you never said goodbye and now I know
How far you'd go

I know I let you down
But it's not like that now
This time I'll never let you go

I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

I thought that I had everything
I didn't know what life could bring
But now I see, honestly

You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe, cause you're here with me

And if I let you down
I'll turn it all around
Cause I would never let you go

I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

Cause without you I cant sleep
I'm not gonna ever, ever let you leave
You're all I've got, you're all I want

And without you I don't know what I'd do
I can never, ever live a day without you
Here with me, do you see,
You're all I need

And I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

And all my life, you know I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

comfort?

2008-06-25T22:36:00.000+08:00

i just need a lil' comfort pretty please?
this pms is disturbing my emotional stability.

Baby, thank you.

2008-06-19T01:56:00.000+08:00

Shopping is always fun.
But its definitely worthwhile when you get to shop with your boyfriend.
We walked the whole day till our feet ache.
But nevertheless, could not stop laughing with each other's antics and jokes.
Definitely lovingly fun!

Dear, thank you for the awesome day.
And i will be here for you okay.
We will find a way to solve it.
I love you baby.

Things.

2008-06-17T23:33:00.000+08:00

Its scary when you think of the things that you think will last but in the end, didn't. To lose someone when you are already at the comfortable zone with him. To see someone else cry their pain out but you standing there not knowing what you should do.

It hurts seeing things pass by us like it never even occurred in the first place. Its painful losing someone after getting to know that someone. Oh God, please bring them back together again. I miss the old us.

On a lighter note, my baby has come back from his Malacca trip and i can't wait to see him. I missed him so much! Baby, i love you...

Please.

2008-06-10T14:07:00.000+08:00

I'm lost without you.
Please be okay.
Don't be like this, i beg of you.

2008-04-10T19:06:00.000+08:00

I felt like shouting to the whole world what a wonderful boyfriend i have!!! Can i dear God? hehe...

He said to meet him at Tampines MRT. He said wer going city hall. So there i was upstairs taking my own sweet time. I took the lift, went down, and BAM! There he was. Waiting for me. Perspiring cause it was a hot day. And i went speechless. All i could afford was asking him "What are you doing here?" Then i realised, ok that was a stupid question! haha. He gave me my presents BUT didnt allow me to open it up yet. So i went back up to put the presents at home with him giving me only 10 seconds to put on the ring kak rina gave me and then run back out. haha!

And so we went to tampines mall to catch Vantage Point and ate at BK. That was fun! hahaha...laughed2 camwhored...and you could sooo see the effort he puts in to make it a fun day for me. So much effort. Although he was tired, he made it seem so carefree. Even though i hit his injured hand twice, all he said was ouch! then he smiled and said its okayy. Whoaa...i was awed. And oh, did i mention how good looking he looked with semi formal wear? Oh yes, he smelled lovely too! It felt like i was falling in love all over again.

After the movie, he wanted to go east coast park. Took a cab. And when we reached the beach, BAM! There were his friends...With a strawberry birthday cake. I felt like biting wati cause this is the 2nd time she surprised me cause the day before, she and kak rina surprised me after work with a cake and balloons and flowers and present! Again, i went speechless. After singing birthday song, as i was about to cut the cake, BAM! In front of me appeared kakak fima and baba! I screamedddd and ran over to them and laughed and unknowingly i cried...on kakak's shoulders. I told her, "YOU DIDNT MSG ME!" All the way, while with wan, i told him every birthday must have kakak. It felt abit empty not having her on my birthday. And there she was! hehehehe....THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!

he is world's best boyfriend. he is world's best bestfriend. he is world's best confidante. he is world's best shoulder to cry on. he is world's best lover. you can gimme all the sweet talking guys and all the passionate ones...but you can never get a simple yet most sincere and sweetest guy ever like my muhammad ridzwan. oh, im so in love with him!

thank you to those who made yesterday possible. afiq, wak, rahmat, akram, zul, ikhlas, imah, wati, kakak, fima, baba and of course MY BABY! and God, i thank you for bringing them into my life. I love alllll of youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

and special thank you to kak rina who surprised me the day before with wati. i sooo enjoyed the day as much! it was soooo fun meeting up with you again! miss you eu noeee! hehe.

thank you to all those who wished me. my gfs farah, seri who wished me on the phone, yat, samir, who called me 9.30 am in the morning to wish me. hydil who called to say he gt sth imp to say and wanna msg me instead. the msg was a freaking funny birthay msg! *sayang kau dil!* naza who on 7th april, went the whole of tamp with me to search for a birthday dress. and chose for me the wonderful dress i bought. *lurrbbbb kauu nenek!* and to all the others who wished me through friendster, and all other means of communication. hehehe! thank youuuuuuuuuuuu!

till then, i had a blasting birthday! thanks to YOU!

2008-03-31T00:46:00.000+08:00

i miss this.

2008-03-28T00:06:00.000+08:00

oh please, appreciate!

2008-03-27T23:54:00.000+08:00

this is it.
this is the truth.
are you ready?

are you ready for love in the first place?
if you are, then why the hell are you doing this to her?
going around using that sweet words of yours.
chatting up with thm girls.

if youre not ready, tell it to her.
if youre not wanting to commit, tell it to her.
dont do this.
youre making yourself look like a jerk.
stupid asshole.
thats whats written on your face.

i hate what youre doing.
hurting her like that.
its gotta stop.
its gotta stop NOW!

2008-03-25T20:37:00.000+08:00

you could do so much better.
whats wrong with you?

2008-03-25T20:14:00.000+08:00

Stream of tears flowed.
Pouring out whats kept within.
Whispers the heart with every breath.

The rainbow which we were about to see.
You stopped halfway and said you were bored.
It leaves me now with the question.
"What is my presence for then?"

I turned cold.
I turned numb.
Not even the pain i felt.
Not even the tears i could find.
Panicked arose.
But with your touch, i found them again.
The problem is now, it couldn't stop.

Now, its sore.
Its fragile.
Its weak.
Mending this broken heart of mine.

Oh god, im scared.
Don't drain me dear God.
Please God, please.

i can't do this.

2008-03-22T02:25:00.000+08:00

He is afraid.
He is not ready.
Its okay i tell myself.
Maybe its still too early, right?

But baby, i just hope you will stay true to me.
Im not just another girl who comes in and out of your life.
I hope you will one day.
Eventually bring me to your side.

I will wait for that time to come.
Please baby, let me be the last.
Cause i dont want anyone else.
But you.
Insyallah.

2008-03-21T17:47:00.000+08:00

In a dark room.
Alone, there i was.
I don't know where i am. Or whether there was anyone else.
I tried calling out names.
But no response.
Locked. The door was locked.

I tried groping around.
Searching for something to give me at least a clue of where i am.
Prison? In a hole? Grave?
Where?!

No, not the prison. Cause i felt the door handle. Not the grave nor the hole either. So i am in a room. Ok, that's settled.

Now, why am i here again?
Why is the room dark?
Why do i seem confused?
I do hear footsteps now and then.
But noone came to open this locked door.
Why?
I need some light, food, air.

Ok, maybe what i need to do is to imagine.
Convince myself that there is light.
'close your eyes hidayah...and see that light? can you see it?'
YES! YES, i can.

now, my room is bright.
and someone did open the door eventually.
Yeay! There's light!

but wait, is this real or just me being in denial?
oh shit.

2008-03-21T17:41:00.000+08:00

Sebab aku sayang.
Sayang dengan apa yang ada pada aku sekarang.
Aku sayang nak lepaskan apa yang ada dalam dakapan ku sekarang.
Aku sayang nak biarkan dia pergi.
Tapi nak tak nak, aku nak kena lepaskan sikit jer.

Aku sedih mak.
Aku sedih dia buat aku cam gini.
Mungkin maksud dia lain mak.
Mungkin dia tak tahu.
Dia tak perasan.
Tapi mak, pedih mak.
Aku takut mak.
Aku takut aku tak boleh seperti dulu lagi dengan dia mak.

2008-03-21T17:28:00.000+08:00

Harapan untuk bersama.
Harapan untuk mencapai kejayaan.
Adakah ia angan-angan semata-mata.
Atau ada kemungkinan ia menjadi?

Ada orang kata,
janga terlalu harapkan sangat.
Kenapa?
Salah ker harap?
Bukan nyer kita harapkan sesuatu yang buruk.
Kita harapkan benda yang mungkin boleh dicapai mungkin tidak.
Itulah masalahnyer.
Bila harapan tak tercapai.
Apa jadi?

Nangis.
Bingit.
Perah minyak.
Salahkan diri sendiri.
"Bodoh. Saper suruh kau harap tinggi2?"
Tapi benda ni kita tau ker limit2 dia?

Kadang-kadang tu cam dah penat nak berharap.
Tapi harap2 ni bukan sengaja.
Dia nanti dengan tak sadar.
Tiba-tiba kita dah expect something.
Then harap it will happen.
And the cycle starts all over again.

Bila kita sayang seseorang, kita tak lari dari mengharapkan sesuatu kan?
Kita harapkan dia sayang kita setimpal dengan kasih sayang yang kita bagi.
Kita harapkan dia setia dengan kita.
Kita harapkan dia tahu limit2 dia.
Tapi itu harapan ker tanggungjawab?

2008-03-20T23:25:00.000+08:00

Im sorry.
I tried.
I tried to find something that i could hold on to.
I tried telling myself.
But why is this still hanging on the very edge of my mind?

I feel like you're hiding behind the words you're speaking.
Looking at you, i felt blank.
I felt myself creating more questions.
You almost took my sanity.

I tried feeling confident with your words.
I wanted to believe, i swear.
I wanted to forget about it.
But it hit me hard.

You changing the words of the story.
Leaving me back to square one-clueless.

Can i start a new verse of the poetry?

2008-03-17T20:00:00.002+08:00

Her.

Scene 1

(Adam and Sarah sitting on a bench.)

Adam: You know there are times whereby things are just perfect. Without you doing anything.

Sarah: What do you mean?

Adam: Like now. Us. Sitting here on the bench. Being with you, its just perfect.

Sarah: You love me Adam?

Adam: You have engraved your name in my heart the the first time we met and the first chapter of my life is already about you.

Sarah: (smiles.)

Scene 2

(Sarah sitting in the kitchen sipping her coffee. Adam came back from work.)

Adam: Hey darling. How was your day?

Sarah: Fine. (still continue sipping her coffee. thinking of something.)

Adam: Fine? hrmm. That's great honey. Have you eaten?

Sarah: Ahuh. Have you?

Adam: No, i was actually waiting to have dinner with you at home. But its fine dear. I'll just find something in the fridge.

Sarah: okay.

(while Adam ate his dinner...)

Sarah: What are the colour of my eyes?

Adam: What? Come again?

Sarah: Forget it. (walks out of the kitchen)

Scene 3

Jenny: Green. But when its in the light, its hazel with the outer rim being blue.

Sarah: (smiles.) But i never asked.

Jenny: You were thinking about it, weren't you?

Sarah: We barely knew each other. We just met.

Jenny: Love knows no boundaries.

Scene 4

Adam: I want you to close your eyes. Hold on, hold on! (while he takes out the cake.) Okay, now open your eyes. (sings happy birthday song.) Make a wish!

Sarah: (blew the candles.) Thank you Adam. (looks into his eyes.) Adam, there's something i would like to tell you.

Adam: Im sure that can wait. Cos i've got another surprise for you! (took out a picture of a cat.) Tada!

Sarah: A cat? But you know im afraid of them. Im allergic to cats. I hate them!

Adam: No, honey. You love cats. You have overcome your fears when i brought you to the pet shop the other day, remember? You even said this cat was cute.

Sarah: That's the thing with you. You THINK i have. But i don't! I almost pee-ed in my pants the minute i set my foot in there. I was finding all means to run. You see, its not working out.

Adam: What do you mean its not working out?

Sarah: US ADAM US! We've been married for three years. And you still know nothing about me. What are the colour of my eyes huh?

Adam: Is that it? Is that what you're angry about? Im sure i know. Its...its blue. Honey, wait. Where are you going with these things?

Sarah: Its not working Adam. Ive tried.

Adam: But we can do this. Sarah, we can work this out. I'll work on it. I promise. I'll cut down on my working hours. I'll cook your favourite food everyday. Italian. Just don't leave me. Please baby.

Sarah: Im sorry.

Adam: But where are you gonna live honey?

Sarah: Jenny's place.

Adam: Jenny? That new friend you told me about?

Sarah: Friend? Goodbye Adam. (about to close the door.) And oh, its green. And i love Japanese food. (door closes.)

2008-03-16T11:58:00.000+08:00

I cried knowing you're there.
I cried knowing you're thinking of me.
I cried knowing you care.

I cried knowing you love me.

2008-03-16T11:56:00.000+08:00

Would they understand our plight?
Would they understand your tears?
Would they understand my smile?
Would they understand us?

2008-03-12T21:14:00.001+08:00

ni mungkin pedas.
tapi siapa yang terasa dialah yang rasa pedas nyer kan.
be prepared jer ah.
tapi kalau rasa diri tu takleh kena skit, tinggal kat gua ah!

aku tak suka cara kau treat dia.
tak baik sak. sungguh.
dia buat segala2nya untuk kau.
dia sanggup go all lengths untuk kau.
kau tak abis2 nak kutuk.
mesti ada something kau nak bebual pasal dia.
sudahlah.
sila appreciate.
bukak mata tu.

kau pikir diri kau tu baik sangat?
sila cermin diri sendiri.
sila eh.

perah minyak siol.

2008-03-12T21:07:00.000+08:00

The pleasure of unleashing that stemmed anger.
That desire to hold that gleaming shining object.
To see your reflection in it.
To see that hidden soul.
That hidden self.
That someone whom you never knew was ever inside you.
To see that sinister smile.
To see her dead in your arms.
To see him begging you to forgive him.
Hearing all the improvised promises.
Pleading. Begging.
To see that flow.
Flow of blood in your hands.

The art of killing.
What a pleasure.

2008-03-12T20:12:00.000+08:00

distracted.
not as if i wanted to.
but i was just strayed away.
for a moment.
im sorry.

2008-03-07T22:31:00.000+08:00

why do people tarnish the beauty of love?
the meaning of love?
the word love itself?

why do people lie?
cheat?
on their love?

whats wrong with being honest?
whats wrong with being truthful?
whats wrong with sticking to one person to love?

2008-03-06T00:26:00.000+08:00

When i walk around, i see them couples holding hands.
I see them embracing in each other's arms.
There, i shed the tears of missing you.

2008-03-03T22:12:00.000+08:00

Its been a looooong while since i sat down and had a real chat with this biatch here. Haha. She was my bestfriend since what sec 1? We had the most huge fights, however we managed to pull though it based on trust. Because we trust each other. And we trust how much we know each other. She is Farah Junita bte Alias.

Today was awesome time spent with her. Quality time, that's what we had. And thanks far for the discounts and the calculatorrrrr! haha. we shall do this with the rest soon alrighteees? take care tatabom!